Living Inside My Head.

Nov 18, 2007 - 16:56 PM PST

This concept of a quarter-life crisis, of freaking out once you enter into the real world outside of school and family and realize that all that self confidence that you thought you had was built up by overly nurturing environments that are nothing like the real life. Well, needless to say that I think I'm having one. I think I've been having one for at least three years, probably four if I'm honest with myself.

I work at a job that isn't even close to anything I wanted to do. But I stay there because it's the first place outside of college that made me feel protected and nurtured. But now I've hit a point where I need to start to evaluate what I'm doing. The first realization I came up with was that I entered graduate school to appease this idea I have of myself and to fulfill how others see me. I've always been the quiet bookish type, so I figured I should have a Master's Degree in English Literature to back that up. So I got one. It was hard and challenging for me because I realized at the start of each new class that I didn't want to be there. But I stayed and worked through the papers and reading and endlessness of it all because it gave me something to do and someone to be. I finally finished after dragging it out, because I realized that we tend to drag out the things that we don't want to do.

I'm one of those people that procrastinates to the Nth degree. I always tell myself I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to push off writing my Master's Thesis to watch six straight hours of mindless television. I'm not. But then I do. And then I beat myself up for it. And it's this endless cycle on continuous repeat.

God I've got to break this cycle of procrastinating, over-thinking, under-doing and living in a constant state of pause. That's it. I'm in pause mode. Someone needs to grab that damn remote and push play because lord knows I have a hard time doing that. So here I am putting all my crap out there. So that I can stop living inside my head and start living my life.