Masquerades

May 12, 2008 - 21:19 PM PST

So this weekend I went to a masquerade ball at my alma mater. Since then I have been thinking about life and how it is all a masquerade. How everyone wears different masks at different times in their lives. For a long time I was this girl who let others push me around. I mean in my social life I just kind of went along with everyone and what they wanted but I never really was happy with anything. I just kind of floated along with them like I was living in some kind of bubble. I was living life in a bubble. This little fragile bubble and one day it popped and suddenly my entire life became clear to me. My entire life was fake. I was fake. Everything about me was fake. My friends were fake, the things I liked were fake, I only liked them because I was told to, my interactions with others were totally and utterly fake. I was wearing this mask and hiding behind it for my entire life. i was afraid to just be. I needed to be accepted and even when i wasnt i would try so hard to fit in.

So now I have been trying to live my life but i still feel like i am just going through the motions. Its like I am now on the outside analyzing my life. Like every little thing i do should have a purpose or means something in the grand scheme of things. I have gone from one extreme to the next. I guess my point or my question within this rambling is....do we ever get it right? Will I ever find that balance? Will I ever be able to actually live my own life and be in the moment? Or will i always be either in a bubble floating along or living on the outside looking in?