Moving In Together. Is it a good idea?

Feb 27, 2008 - 10:59 AM PST

In the debut episode of quarterlife, Debra and Danny are talking about getting an apartment together. There seems to be some confusion and anxiety over the subject. He’s dragging his feet, not looking at the rental listings and treating the whole matter in a very casual way. She’s frustrated that he’s not taking enough initiative.

Later that evening, during a nice cuddle, he blurts out, “I love you.” She’s surprised and leans in for a kiss.

Everyone’s happy. Problem solved.

Only one thing: Why were they even discussing cohabitation before the “I love you” exchange? Why was she surprised? Didn’t she know this before?

Living together seems to be a very popular thing for young couples. It’s the ‘promise ring’ of relationships and seems to be the way to dip your toe in the water to see what life together would be like. You get to play house, pretend you’re married without too much consideration for the future or where it might lead. Hey, if it doesn’t work out, you just move out- right?

There’s only one good reason to move in together and several reasons why you shouldn’t.

Here are all the reasons why you shouldn’t move in together:

1. It’s “time”. Translation: You’ve been together a while and it seems to be the next logical step even though it scares the life out of you.
2. It will make us closer. News Flash! The only thing that will make you closer is the actual love and respect you have for each other. Sharing a bed, a roof and the water bill will not make it so.
3. We practically live together already. Believe me, even if you spend 6 days a week with each other, having your own place to go to is a nice safety net and an important one.
4. We want to save on rent. My personal favorite. This should never be a reason to shack up. It’s a recipe for disaster and usually kills the romance once you start
dividing up the bills and responsibilities.
5. It’s lonely on my own. Get a dog or make some new friends! Your girlfriend or boyfriend is not in your life to save you money or fill your time. A relationship is meant to compliment your life, not be the excuse for you to take the easy way out.

Look, living together can be absolutely fantastic. I did it in my 20’s and I’m grateful for the experience. I also wasted precious years with guys that were never going to be my future. We all knew it, but we didn’t care.

In your 20’s, you feel like you have all the time in the world. Decisions like this don’t seem so serious. Believe me, moving in is a lot easier than moving out. If the relationship doesn’t work, you’ve lost your apartment, roommate, half your furniture, your best friend and oh yes, your lover- all in one shot. It’s a lot to deal with and can be a very painful time. Unless this is a relationship you are truly committed to, think twice about getting an apartment together. It takes twice as long to end a “live in” relationship than it does when you’re living separately.

I’ve seen far too many people waste an extra year or two in the wrong relationship because the idea of moving out was too daunting. Should that really be a reason to stay with someone? If that’s the case, then you are not doing yourself or your partner any favors.

Be honest with yourself and each other.

Make sure it’s for the right reason.

That reason is: you’re in love and you feel moving in together is needed because you feel marriage is around the corner for both of you.

Don’t rush into this. If you need to save money on rent, get a roommate that you aren’t romantically linked to, or a better paying job. This way, you’ll be able to see your relationship clearly without added pressure and obligation. You never want to find yourself ‘stuck’ in a situation. You’re way too young for that!

This is the part of your life that you should be dating different people, learning about yourself and having fun while discovering your path. This can’t be done in someone else’s shadow. It’s vital that you find out your own personal tastes, needs and qualities without blending those with a boyfriend or girlfriend.

There’s plenty of time in the future to live with someone, shop for groceries, pick out furniture, pay bills and get married.

Learn how to live on your own. You won’t regret it. It will only make you a more worthy partner for someone in the future when it really counts.


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