my dream...

Feb 25, 2008 - 00:09 AM PST

in order for you to phathom my dream, let me first tell you a little about my illness... im a paranoid schizophrenic... that deals with mostly audiotory hallucenations and once in a while a visual hallucenation... i hear voices all day long and see things every couple of days... the voices first was negative and demeaning to me but later on, after i got used to it the turned ok... like they used to tell me ill never make it in life and ill die soon after my parents die because i cant take care of myself but now they just basically leave me alone.. it went from a total inconvience to lonliness and lack of meaning in my life...a total bummer.. i got arrested a couple of times and was homeless for about 6 months while still hearing voices... while in this short span of time i lost everything, including my faith... this is where my dream comes in.... i had this dream where i had to chose between christ and the devil ... sounds like a easy one right? but you gotta understand my logic... who is the devil really?.... just a rebel.. i like to think i am one too... i fight against how i was brought up, i never really belive in what anyone says except my dad, and i dont really belive that there is a god or some omnipitant being that created the earth and everything in it in his/her image... i mean come on now... it sounds like a good idea but you gott read into this a little deeper..if there is a god and hes supposed to be the all loving, then why do people suffer?...and dont give me usual free will bullshit... we were ment to be perfect if we were created in his/her perfect image... anyways back to my dream, i chose against my comrade and chose jesus. then the devil shook up the cube that the faces of jesus and the devil was in and made me choose again.. and again i chose jesus.. the devil was furious and sent a demon to jump on my bed while i was in it.... i totally felt the bed underneath my limp body bend in half with the weight of a large man... just then i tryed to see if i was sleeping so i tryed to wake up..i shook myself and woke up... after that i vowed never to watch "paranormal state" again... lol.. now i gotta say the way i described the dream wasnt too scary but imagine if those voices in your dreams wont leave you... so all day long today i was hearing what i thought was a deep mans voice telling me "your gonna get it".... it sounds demonic... and funny thing is theres no voice for jesus.. i basically get dreams like this every night and feel as if im being tomented for losing faith ... i cant help it tho its part of me to lose faith... ive done it in virtually every relationship that ive ever had so i dunno ... i need help i think...