My Mother

Aug 19, 2008 - 10:00 AM PST

The sooner I get over this the better my life will be. My point is that I have bottled up emotions that need to be expressed to someone. I can do all the praying I want, but to know that a person hears me is all I ask; a person who has compassion and a hug in the end. Maybe I am wrong in wanting this selfish need. Maybe a human being is unable to fathom my emotions enough to have a profound effect on how I feel. I came to this conclusion of no human being having the aptitude capable enough of this a long time ago. For this reason I have kept so many feelings and emotions inside of me because I understood that no one would hear me or understand my point to the extent that I wanted it understood. For this reason I do not speak to you about my personal experiences.

When’s the last time I spoke to you about my relationship with God and told you my personal testimony? Are you open to hear my words? Is your heart open enough to hear the truth of my experiences? Maybe it is, but maybe as a mother you do not want to know the full extent of your children’s personal struggles. Wouldn’t it help you more to know these struggles as a way of helping them in the future? Wouldn’t it help you see a different view point on a situation you know so well from your own point of view? Wouldn’t it make us closer? Wouldn’t it make us stronger? Wouldn’t it make us a better team in our fight for God’s people?

I know I must express my feelings to God and I know I must let them go in a healthy manner, but it is my mother who I have saved them for and it has been the vain of my existence. I forever wanted my mother to cuddle me and save me from my fears. I forever wanted to be protected by her. I forever must let this go. I must let go of my faith in my mother and put my faith where it belongs in God. There are no words my mother can say to me now to console my emotions or do away with my fears. That time has past and it must stay that way. I am responsible for my own well-being now and I am responsible enough to place that well-being in God’s hands; to surrender myself to his will. God is my father. God is the one who can help me. He saved me from death and I heeded his call.

I must let go of my expectations of what a mother should be. I must let go of her high position on the pedal stool. I must let go of my reliance on her wisdom. I must let go fully, so I can place God in these positions of influence. It is the only way I will make it on my own. This is the source of our conflict. I have a hard time dealing with the fact that my mother is not a perfect human being who has all the answers to life. My mother is just my mother. Not my savior.