My thoughts on love.

Mar 11, 2008 - 22:26 PM PST

I feel terrified. I don't know how else to describe it. There is nothing wrong with my life, not more so than anyone else's anyway. I have no reason to be scared, I have no reason to be upset, but I am. There is so much on my mind, even when I am just sitting in my room on the computer, doing nothing. I think the problem is that I don't know what I want, and being as structured as I am...I don't know what to do without a set of rules. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with one. I don't know what I want out of a relationship, or the type of person I want to be with, and even though I am still young and I have so much time ahead of me, I feel like I am too picky and get bored to easily that I will never find love. Not because it isn't there, but that when it is standing right in front of my face I will push it away. Someone loves me. He tells me he loves me. He shows me he loves me. But I don't want to accept it anymore. I want to be free-spirited, and do what I want, when I want, until I'm ready to settle down. What if that day never comes, and I repeat this cycle of failed relationships that my whole family has taught me. I have never seen a successful relationship in my family. Not to say that they are all divorced, but I mean happy, really truly happy being with that person that you claim is your everything, your reason for living...I've never seen that. How can I achieve something when I've never witnessed it to be real, the fairy-tale romance I am dreaming of is one that I have only ever seen in movies. And my obsession with movies surely doesn't help because the more I see it, the more I dream of finding it. I really am a hopeless romantic. That's why I don't understand why I push people away when all they do is love me. I have done it twice so far. I mean really pushed someone away, for no reason. Two nice, wonderful, amazing guys have really truly cared about me, and I pretended to love them, for awhile at least, I thought that I really did, but can you really call that love when in the end I find myself bored and wanting nothing more than sex with a stranger because its new and exciting. When the sensation of making love (and I don't mean having sex, I mean really making love)is supposed to be the greatest thing in the world, it's supposed to be beautiful, and wonderful, and it's supposed to make you feel alive, why would I want anything else? Maybe I just haven't found someone that I could truly love, but I don't even know what to look for. How can I find someone who will love me and respect me, without ending up bored out of my mind for the lack of challenge. I am so scared that I will never find that. I am so scared that if I try and put off love until after college, when I am independent and settled, then I will put it off forever, and I will never find someone who I truly care about, and who truly cares about me. I feel like I should have some sort of plan, and I know it's a stupid thing to say because life is supposed to be unexpected, and spontaneous, and you can't plan it...and even though I love spontaneity, I can't stand it in love. I want to feel secure, but I don't want to be tied down. I want someone to love me, but I don't want to miss opportunities with others. I feel like if I pass up opportunities I could be ruining something great that is to come, but if I act on a feeling, I could ruin it in a very different way than waiting ever could. Maybe I should stick to the fantasy, and have something to dream about...or someone to dream about. But why is it, that when someone starts to show me a little bit of attention, I blow it out of proportion, and stress over little details of a conversation. I feel like this attention shouldn't come until later in my life, but if I wait they could find true love before I think I'm ready, and if I act it could ruin the whole thing and there would be no chance in the future. I don't understand my feelings, and why I am the way I am, but I feel like expressing them helps me to get a little bit better grasp on it. Why is it that when I feel most alive is when I'm alone. Why do I most of my thinking in the middle of the night, when I should be asleep. Why is it that I always have something, or someone on my mind, and I feel like I need an immediate solution to every problem, even though I know that in the end everything all works out. It always has, and it always will. I guess I just have to keep telling myself that.