no title

Mar 05, 2008 - 01:02 AM PST

I feel like something's wrong with me. It seems as though I can't do anything right. It's almost impossible. The main 3 things I keep screwing up are I can't get a job, I can't maintain any friends and I'm unable to be happy. I mean honestly happy. I've been putting on a mask of happiness for most of my life. People expect me to be happy so I "am" and I don't know how to be truly happy. I was happy, seriously happy when I was with the guy from my "heartache and hope" entry. I was the happiest I've even been when I was with him....not so sure how to get anything near that feeling again though. I don't expect to be happy all the time, no way. I just would like a few happy days, or even moments, but that seems to be a big fat "no-can-do".

And about the friends thing, it's not like I'm a cold, unapproachable person. I'm really not. I have "friends", people I know and sorta talk to sometimes from high school or college or work, but for some reason, I'm not close to them. There always seems to be a huge gap between us. There are a select few who know me better than others, who feel comfortable enough with me to tell me their biggest problems/secrets/concerns, but I can never feel as though I can truly trust them with what I have on my mind. Worried that they'll be scared away, overwhelmed by what I have to say, because that has been the case in the past. It really bums me out because I know I can be a really good friend.

Anyway, so yeah, I think I might be nuts or something. I can't even come up with a frickin' title to this entry. It might not seem like a big deal but it bothers me. A lot. And once again, I'm pretty sure that none of this makes sense so I'll end it here and hope I can get some sleep. I have to wake up in about 4 hours. *sigh*