numbertwo

Oct 05, 2008 - 23:48 PM PST

Well...It has been quite awhile since I was actually on this site.
I have loaded a few pictures, but thats about it over the last half of the year.
I just watched my first video that I poasted up when I first found this site, and its hilarious.
I am soo young in it, I can't believe it.
I do not remember acting, thinking, or speaking with such a mindset.
It really shows how much time changes you.
And how much college changes you too.
I guess these last months have been a lot more transitional than I thought.
transitional? That might not be the right word, but I guess it works ok.
So, I guess I just wanted to write and say, thats not me anymore.
Thats who I am, but thats not who I am.
haha. riiiight. that made sense.
Maybe one day I will get the guts up to actually make another video.
Watching that first one pretty much scarred me for life.
But until then, this will have to do.
I hope you are still enjoying my photography.. not my real "passion"
in life.. but then again, I don't really know what that is.
I have been struggling alot with that lately.. not knowing who I am.
I guess its not a "lately" kind of thing. Its just now I really want to
konw who I am. I want to have eviction, passion, I want to have a real
personality that people can tie to my face. my body language.
I feel like I am just now starting my life.
Its weird when you go to college, you start to realize the life you were
living before was actually your parents life.. and now, single and on your
own, this is your life. Now you need to find the life long friends, start
the family etc. Not now of course, but find that path that will lead to it.
Last night I met a friend from another university. We met in Santa Monica for
a late night movie. And as I walked the few blocks to my parking garage alone
in my heels, navigating the streets I realized I have started that path.
This is me, my life. I am alone, at school, not a "teenager" anymore according
to my age, and I know how to drive in my little car the streets of the city I
live in, the city that is different than my family. I dunno if that makes sense,
but I guess I had a revelation. And it felt good, it felt really good. I am a thinker
so I always over analyze my life, and the things that play out in it. I am trying
hard to just let it flow, let it be. This year I am hoping to find contenment with
who I am, to understand the person. And I think I have started to do just that.
Well, now that I have revealed my inner thoughts to you. I guess I should get
back to that life. Hope I didn't bore you. Peace and love. xoxo

Ps. There is one more thing I feel the need to talk about. Last time I wrote/
video-ed my grandfather was sick. Since then he was diagnosed with a brain
tumor and our lives were drastically changed. The struggle of the next 6 months
was not only physical for him but emotional for us as a family. On July 5, 2008
we lost the most precious man in our lives. The hole in my heart will never heal,
and writing or talking about it will never get easier. The world lost one of the most
caring, loving, brilliant, humorous, and giving man that I have ever known. His life's
story is truly amazing, and he shared so much love with the world. He knew what it
was to live. And to this day, I cannot believe he has died. My life will never be the same
without him, but everyday I reflect on what he has told me, taught me and how he has
loved me. I miss you Papa, and love you so much. R.I.P.


Thanks for reading my thoughts, take care.