Over Byters Anonymous: The 12-Step Program

Sep 08, 2008 - 10:59 AM PST




OVER BYTERS ANONYMOUS: THE 12-STEP PROGRAM

by

Jack Fournier (copyright 1997 All Rights Reserved)


"Good evening. My name is Ron. Let's begin our meeting
with a recitation of our prayer. John, would you lead us in the
Over Byters Anonymous Interface Creed please?"

John felt a little uncomfortable as he stood.

"My name is John. I am BYTE dependent and I have been
computer free for three months."

John stood tall now as he repeated the credo, "Lord,
give me the DOS to surmount, the ROM to overcome, the RAM to
subdue, the MACRO to conquer, the BUFFER to overload and the
PARAMETERS to know the difference."

Ron led the applause as John sat down.

"Now if you will each stand and give your name, your
dependence, and your term of abstinence. We'll start with the
first seat and go from left to right."

"My name is Wanda. I am hardware dependent. I have been
hardware free for three weeks."

Each stood in turn.

"My name is Bill. I am spreadsheet dependent. I have
been spreadsheet free for one month."

"My name is Ida. I am data base dependent. I have been
data base free for...one, no two...make that three days."

"My name is William. I am word-processor dependent. I
have been WordStar...correction.. .PFS Word.. .delete that. .
.insert Word Perfect... MSWord...independent for three hours."

"My name is Fred. I am software dependent. I have been
shareware free for forty eight hours."

"My name is Edna. I am MacIntosh dependent. I have been
mouse free for one week."

"My name is Linda. I am Windows dependent. I have been
icon free for two months."

"My name is Hector. I am MS-DOS compulsive.""


Hector sat down as the rest of the group, "Oooohed and aaaahed."

"My name is Mary. I am modem and baud rate compulsive.
I have been off-line for three days."

"My name is Dwayne. I am an 8 bit, XT, 612K memory, low
density, monochrome screen compulsive kind of a guy. If God had
wanted Windows or MacIntosh we would have been born with a mouse
in our hand."

Dwayne was about to go on when John jumped up to the
podium.

"Dwayne, you know that this is not the time or place to
spout off your reactionary conservative orthodox doctrines."

John held up his hands to quiet the restive group.

"I know you all have been waiting for the featured group
member of the week. Let's put our hands together to welcome back
Winston who is our first member to complete the twelve-step
program of OBA. As most of you know, Winston is the first Over
Byters Anonymous member to make it through the twelve steps. It
has been an arduous trip both literally and figuratively for
Winston. So without further adieu please meet Winston."

A tall blonde tanned man emerged from the side curtain
and joined John at the podium.

After a smattering of applause Winston started his
speech.

"It takes dedication, fortitude, stamina and diligence
to complete the program. The first few steps are simple:

Step one: purchase a Dixon number two pencil with an
eraser.

Step two: purchase a single yellow legal pad.

Step three: purchase a five pound sledge hammer.

Step four: have your electricity and telephone
disconnected.

Step five: purchase a one-way airline ticket to Tahiti.

Step six: start writing with your Dixon number two on
the yellow legal pad, according to your particular dependence
you work text, spreadsheet or data-base paradigms.

Step seven: when you fill up the yellow legal pad turn
it over and start writing on the back side of the sheets.

Step eight: when pad is filled up use your sledge
hammer to break coconuts and start scribing on the shells with a
sharp stone.

Step nine: When you run out of coconuts start punching
binary code into palm fronds with a pointed seashell. When you
have used up all the fronds go out on the beach and flag down a
passing cruise ship.

Step ten: when you get back to civilization go down to
the flea market and purchase a Remington Rand Model 30, 1927
desk top typewriter. Get three people to help you load it into
your car trunk.

Step eleven: with your typewriter start transcribing
your legal pad, coconut shells, and palm-fronds.

The final and twelfth Step, is both good news and bad
news. The bad news is that you should have included cancellation
of your subscriptions to all computer magazines and online
services in Step four because they have accumulated for months
and months."

Ron stepped up to the podium.

"Tell us Winston, what is the good news? You've ended
your dependence?"

Winston shook his head, "No Ron the good news is that
Pentium nine hundred megahertz computers with fifty six speed CD
Rom drive, a thousand gigabytes of hard drive, sixty four
hundred K of memory, with Windows 2010 pre-installed and two
thousand dollars worth of thirty two bit software is on sale at
Computer Shack for nine hundred and ninety nine dollars. They
wanted twenty four thousand dollars for that system when I left
for Tahiti."

Edna shouted out, "Will they take American Express?"

John leaped to his feet, "Do they take trade-ins?"

Wanda raised her hand, "Does that include delivery?"

Bill shouted, "Will they finance?"

Fred struggled to stand on his feet, "Is there a senior
discount?"

Edna pushed her way toward the podium, "Does it include
the monitor?"

Linda pushed Edna aside, "What's the warranty?"

Mary broke free of Edna and Linda, "What about the
modem?"

Dwayne stood on a chair to get attention as he shouted,
"Tahiti is pretty hot. What number sunblock did you use?"

Ron vainly attempted to stem the stampede to the door.
He threw up his arms in frustration and joined the mob.

Hector turned to Winston as they went through the door,
"Would you answer me a question about program Step ten?"

As he elbowed Mary out of the way Winston looked at
Hector, "Sure. What did you want to know?"

Hector gently removed Edna's elbow from his ribs, "You
used a term I'm not familiar with."

"What was that?" Winston asked as he wedged himself
through the narrow door.

Hector was through the door and in the hall now but
Winston had gained distance toward the outside exit. Hector
cupped his hands around his mouth hoping Winston would hear him
above the clamor. He hollered. The question echoed down the hall
but was drowned out by Fred's shouting,

"Computer Shack is open until nine o'clock."

The hall was empty now but a strange audio-resonance
captured the words and they echoed back and were caught by
Hector's ears. The reverberating question was faint but
distinct...

"What's a typewriter?"


Jack Fournier has been a writer all of his professional life. Was a GI Bill graduate in Journalism after U.S. Naval service in WW II.
He formed his own ad agency, JH Fournier & Co., with offices in Washington, serving as consultant to PAC's. The crown-jewel in his client list was the Smithsonian in Washington where his agency was retained as a marketing/media consultant. He sold his agency in 1978 and moved to Venice, Florida.
He started a new career in playwriting and taught playwriting courses at Florida Studio Theatre, Sarasota, FL, where he was on-staff as Literary-Manager for two years. He is a life-member of the Dramatists guild.
Jack also writes for the print-media. He has been published by Ziff-Davis and he has eight short-humorous works in two books published by Ageless Press titled, Computer Tales of Fact & Fantasy Or How We Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Computer and Computer Legends, Lies And Lore.
He is presently involved in the process of developing two new plays and rewriting his novel. To quote Jack..."I finished my novel on the cold war two weeks before the Berlin Wall came down. I have to re-write or wait ten years and publish it as nostalgia."