Personal Epiphany

Sep 07, 2008 - 14:56 PM PST

Firstly, let me say that there are about twenty other things that I should be doing right now that are vastly more important than posting on QL, but here we are anyway.

Last week in between classes I was walking, rather briskly, back to my studio to grab a book for my next class when I ran into one of the janitors for the architecture and fine arts buildings. I see him quite a bit, so I said hello, asked how he was doing, etc. He responded by saying that how whenever he sees me I'm all "wired-up", as he put it. At first I laughed and said that that was what architecture does to you, and went about my business. But later as it sunk in, I realized that if I am outwardly appearing frazzled, that it may be a reflection of a more serious mental/emotional state that I wasn't previously aware of. I, like everyone else, am overcome with stress from time to time, but this wasn't one of those times. Or at least I didn't think it was. Which made me start thinking that I may be under more stress than I should be. But I also acknowledge that I place most of that stress on myself.

This encounter, coupled with the fact that friends and family have been telling me for years that I am too anxious, has really made me take a step back and reevaluate my priorities. But even after doing this I can't warrant making any serious life changes. Career (and consequently, school) are always going to come before my personal/emotional/social well-being, which now seems to be in jeopardy. Don't take that the wrong way, I am in no way a threat to myself, let's make that clear right now. But, I could make things much easier for myself by placing less pressure on academic performance.

I guess my question is how do we change? Is it even possible to alter one's personality after twenty-some-odd years? I know, well I don't really know, but I feel like I would be better off if I didn't work so hard or place so much importance on my success. But then again, would changing do me any good? Would that even make me happy? So far I have defined my life by what I accomplish, take that away and what do I have left? To you this may seem sad, pathetic or whatnot, but I like it, it works for me. And really, how much harm am I doing myself by wanting to be the best I can.

So, if it's not broke do you try and fix it? Old adage tells us no, but adages don't take into account the "what if". What would the world be if no one ever took the initiative to try new things? Pretty boring, I'd imagine. So do I settle for a pretty boring life that works, or try and change for the chance of even better days. Quandary. Personal rant over. :P