Photography and other random thoughts

Apr 01, 2008 - 22:30 PM PST

so, when I see something, (and I end up actually having a camera with me) that makes me feel somewhat happy or something of that sort, I take a picture. Then there are the times where I take a picture just to take a picture... I was looking through my picture files... and I see some pictures that look somewhat decent... but when I look twice, it makes me wonder "what was I thinking when I took this? What's the point of this picture? Is it even good?"
I look through my pictures of houses, sunsets, flowers, trees, "scenery" photos. and I begin to wonder if the pictures I took were all utter crap.
I look at some of the pictures I took of my friends during random times (and others at more forced times, meaning making them stand there til someone would take the picture). And some of those I think have much more feeling or emotion. I find this so funny because, I'm more fond of taking pictures of things, animals, plants, buildings, etc, more than I am of taking pictures of people. Then again, I don't exactly want to show pictures of people without their permission either, which is why I prefer to only show scenery pictures. I don't get it. How do you know what actually moves you? How do you take a "good" picture?
As I've said in the other post, I'm not really artistic. And as I said in the other post, I'm possibly afraid of that as well. So, if I'm not artistic, then why do I do it? I mean, I think I enjoy it... but do I really? or do other people's opinions bother me that much? or do I just do things the safe way because I'm afraid of it all... Is there a point to writing about this? Is there a point in taking pictures? If I go that far, I may as well ask if there is a point to having memories (recreational and sentimental ones, not the kind where you have to remember something to do your job or pass a test)
I don't know... Why does not knowing have to be so terrifying? Why do I have to know? Why do I have to think about these things to the point where I'm somewhat driven insane, which therefore makes me sane (because all sane people are insane and for those who are truly insane, I apologize... because it's a thing I do.) People (myself especially) are afraid of people's boundaries, what's considered acceptable, and what people will oust you for, therefore you declare yourself insane to protect yourself from those who will oust you, while those who accept it, joke along with you. or is that just another way for people to make others feel bad. to joke about it as though it were nothing even though it sometimes does mean something?
to write about all this, does anyone even care? yes and no. while i hope that people do care, maybe i don't want people reading it... life is vulnerable as it is... why add to that vulnerability by allowing others to know? then again, if everyone is the same and everyone has the same insecurities, then it won't matter who reads... or maybe there is no point to writing this... I don't know... I always eventually feel stupid (if i don't already feel that now) when I write these types of things... even more so when i try to do anything creative (such as photography, writing, and graphic design) as for the "graphic design" i think i'm breaking laws... i mean, yea, i do edit the images and etc, but i'm still using copy righted images... blah. and that's why it'd probably be best if i didn't show those... then maybe i shouldn't even talk about the 'graphic design' part... since it's not all what i did... (i can't draw and i haven't any intention in learning how to draw...) I wonder if I even belong on this site... I'm majoring in something completely selfish and that will probably end up in some exploitation or other that i'm trying to avoid... I mean, how do you not exploit anything, but make a living doing what you like or somewhat like... unless you work, using it for non profit.... that should work too right? or maybe I'm just trying to kid myself... (I'm planning to major in accounting; I find it interesting) or at least, I do for the moment, which is a bit frustrating because I'm not sure if that interest is something that will actually take me somewhere or not... and accounting isn't boring... and if you consider me a boring person, I'm shocked you've read this far. unless you skimmed, then that would make sense too.
well, since I talked about a lot of stuff, why not talk about the idiot I like. No offense to the idiot, I'm just completely frustrated with him. Every time I think I like him in a serious way, I'm reminded of why I don't like him. or maybe they're just defense mechanisms to help me not like him so that I'd actually focus on school... why must he find everything boring? ok, maybe it's not "everything" but it's enough to make me wonder... why the heck do I like him? I mean yes, people can't help what they like and don't like, but why must you have such an apathetic attitude towards so many things?!!!!! I mean I guess it makes it easier to not like him in that way and easier to maintain friends with him. but... why oh why oh why won't he leave my head? seeing him in person messes me up half the time because then I end up marathon thinking about him. and then talking to him online or not seeing him, makes it so much easier to not care. sometimes seeing him in person does that too... but it drives me crazy. [he does all these different things that confuse the heck out of me.] he drives me crazy. and he probably will drive me crazy til I get over him. and I'm hoping I get over him soon because It makes it very difficult to read and catch up on the chapters I'm behind on. (not to say that I don't procrastinate, because I absolutely do that too) but gosh, I need to not speak to and not see him for a while... must focus on school... school... why are there so many things that i need to think about...?
oh the stupid idiot... oh i'm a stupid idiot... i can't not talk to him and i can't not see him either... >.<
oh dear... how random... and disorganized...