Playing Make Believe

May 21, 2008 - 10:53 AM PST

I married my high school best friend. We had a huge wedding and spent loads of money celebrating our union. I wanted to have the fairytale wedding I read about in all my Cinderella books. Looking back, it is apparent that the fairytale is not our reality. Loads of movies portray this idealistic “you complete me” ideal, yet we are still divorcing, splitting up, and searching online for our next date.

I am in the middle of a divorce, which I would not wish on anyone. We have one child so it’s even more complicated and challenging. Its odd to write, but leaving my ex husband was declaration of love. Love of myself, what really matters to my heart and love of life.
I went into the marriage with a false sense of what LOVE really is. I thought it was his job to make me feel more secure, complete, taken care of and “better.”
This led me to stay in a marriage that was all about playing make believe. Once I had my daughter, things shifted. I began to see that she was learning by my demonstration on how to love and be loved. It’s humbling to realize that you have so much responsibility- that is not even about diapers and bottles.
The responsibility I felt was self love. To share THIS with my daughter not stay in a relationship out of fear I will never find what I “need.”
When I left my ex husband, most people immediately noticed how different I became. I laughed more, celebrated my body and wanted to dive into my work even more. My creative energy exploded and I became even more present and playful with my daughter.
It is not easy to leave when others convince you that love is “hard or a sacrifice.’
It is not easy to make choices that others may find wrong or bad.
But love involves trusting that the only person who can complete me is me.
To share this lesson to my daughter and give her permission to begin to love herself now, not 34 years later.

I wonder what our world would look like if we stopped looking for others or jobs to fulfill us, and begin to dive within and dig ourselves first.
Love is about knowing who we are- not sacrificing who we are.

Hopefully my daughter will begin to play with the idea that marriage is not about roles and ideals but about choosing to trust ones own heart- and commit to that.

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