Poems for Caleb

Jan 08, 2008 - 02:23 AM PST


1.
I'm breathing and I can't stop,
or slow down for that matter,
for matter is spinning round my head and I'm stuck in what I said that I'd never say again.
Please sit there.
Please?
Just sit there and let me breathe, so I can word these simple words right. This is not something not to be understood, and it could.

I'm not one to speak of private passion even when I feel it [and I do feel it]
But I'm exploding and not even a clean one either.
Besides, my insides keep forcing up and forming words I would rather just eat, I'd rather not speak, so there isnt a chance of you not understanding what it is I have to say.

I wish you would fall for me. i.e. you would stare at me in profile as i sleep in your arms, and you'd think you were the only one to keep me out of harm. You'd run your fingers through my hair and sigh. Yeah. I wish you were that guy.

But in this I dont want you to change or rearrange the things that make you you, because if you did, I dont think the things you already do would matter, or be true.

But I still wish you'd fall.
Example.
You would always know what I'm thinking, and I you. You would read me like a cereal box with your red decoder seeing behind the mess of blue. When you'd see me your eyes would shine like you care for me [because we all know you arent getting attatched] unfortunatly. And why not? Why not me?

I know, though.
It's the same reasoning here.
He's continuously bound me to fear.
But you arent he, and I'm not she, and I wish you'd see that.
I wish, that, you'd see.

But maybe wishing is my flaw, or maybe its not.
It's not that I'm not happy with what I've got. But you don't quiver for my lips, lust for my hips, long for my eyes. . . and if you do, then it takes me by suprise.

I guess it comes down to me questioning what we are.
I mean, its not been that clear as to what direction we are moving so far.
I could just live in the present and be content.
But how close would that be to me? It wouldnt be reality.

In all of this I am certainly not looking for some three-word saying.
I'd see it as ignorance you were conveying,
Because you have said before that wouldnt mean it,
and I dont deserve to to live with meaningless bullshit.

I mean, it would be nice if you did.
Yeah, I sound like a little kid.
But whats so wrong with wanting something unproven, unseen.
Wanting something to explain the words I am expressing.
Nothing.
But to express this falsely would be worse, i think,
than to never in the first place speak.
But I'm not speaking these things to gain cries of devotion,
just damnit, Caleb, show some emotion.


2.
side-glance at our romance and stare.
the road is all one way from now to there.
so theres really no reason for me to pretend,
that i'm content,
and happy when lifes got me gasping for something more than just a hug and a kiss.
me, content in only this, i wish.

But see, theres so much of me knowing im not getting what i need.
and my soul deserves to feed, how much of it exists still.
and thats it. I've tried to fill myself with ill will.
me thinking i can use logic over feeling without it ending tragic.
But now its just reaking havoc.

Ive suppressed it and addressed it as a case of the flu.
It's completely base, this, what women do.
Yeah, excuse me for being a sensual creature,
that i reconize this as my darkest, new feature.
That its matched with a dream of romance and flowers,
of april babies that come with spring showers.
[But dont go thinking i want this with you,
because thats not necessarily true.]
But I do want it generally,
which may be my curse,
i'd rather do this than be well-rehersed,
in fondness not love for my lover and child.
I want you to LOVE me, to say all this mild.


3.
Our relationship.
It only has one side, because you hide behind silence, on the other end of the telephone line. You have or give no input into what affects our lives, yours and mine, and frankly, its becoming a waiste of my precious time.
You dont speak on things that upset me.
And I'm beginning to see how easily I could forget thee.
But not hold any regret, see.
I'm so sick of saying im sorry. When its you who makes the mistake it ends with me, always saying im sorry. Because, well, i somehow offend you, and you defend you, and it ends up with me sorry, and you, never sorry too. But on that once in a moon occasion when its my miscalculation, it never ceases to fail to be my apologies matched with your...
And let me not forget the excuses. Thats how you were raised, or you've always been that way. I guess it would take too much strain on your brain to change.
Lets not forget my imagnitive thought...the lack thereof that you've got. At which point i dont say something completely concrete, to completly disprove it is what you seek. I need to breathe.
to be condt...

4.
This isnt a poem. Its just truth.



You have my heart, every piece. It's hard living knowing that we arent together. I doubt that you're so depressed because of me, but I wish you were. Then, I wouldnt feel so bad about feeling so bad. I've tried to convince myself that you dont matter, tried to be angry with you for anything, but I can't. Last time, I was able to get angry, and get over it, but I just cant with you. It's different, so different. You were so much of my life for eight months, and before that, a friend when I needed one most. [even if you had a different agenda for part of that time] I can't speak to you in words, because what i feel cant be said to you in the time we have had alone the past few times I've seen you. I wish we could have been alone. And maybe this is just one-sided, and I'm making a complete fool of myself more and more with every letter I type. But if so, its a shame, because I've not given this much effort or time or anything to anyone. I dont know if you see that it means something, and if you dont, maybe it doesnt. But I think it does to me, because I care. I actually care. I'm still jealous as hell, you know; it doesnt matter what girl. And i think I am a bit jealous of your friends, too, who know a side of you that I dont, because i want to know every aspect of you, good and bad. I realize you have already said all this is pointless. If it is, then why when I'm not being pointless with you do I feel no point in anything? You said I needed someone there. No, I dont need someone, I need you.
My friends say that I should be with someone better, but whats better? Maybe I should be with someone that, to them, is better for me. But I dont want to. Maybe I'm holding on to something that has no chance, or has already passed, you not feeling the same way about me as I do you. I hope to God thats not the case.

Caleb, I love you.

5.
What if, in fact, it doesn't go away?
That instead it pumps sadly, though willed another way.
Days pass, and the longing increases exponentially.
Eventually, it becomes habit to drift back into memory,
wondering whenever, why whatever went wrong.
And, I am alone in this mess.
A side I do not wish to know, or possess.
I try to defeat the rhythm of time by keeping myself occupied,
and my feelings verified,
in chemical equations.
Chemistry. My verification, and my foil;
does nothing but cause my mind to coil around questions without answers,
a Q without an A;
Like hours I spent earlier today, when if red met green it almost seemed to possess your very name...
however never being exactly the same.
The same, unable to obtain.
And to deal with this that pulls me every which way?
I lie to myself and the world!
Oh yes, I am okay!
To pretend until its falseness becomes fact.
But to walk away from this with dignity and tact, I cannot!
Because of the intensity with which I fought,
and fight, to keep my only hope alive
that I am not a complete waste of time.
and with every single sign that i am not important which you give,
my faith in myself becomes shorter lived,
though on you I should not place this, for it is me who must define myself.
But knowing that knowledge does not take away from what I've felt.
Yes, we are broken, but I am not.
a fact that will not be forgot.
neither this, nor what is to come shall rot.
Words without meaning, these are not.
So what if, in fact, it doesn't go away?
I am afraid that I cannot say.


6.
your snake-like features suffocate me


[This must be what it feels like... I find it so much easier to write when not on my medication and when my body has mistaken itself for a roller coaster ride. Maybe I'll stay like this forever, making it easier to write items i dont think are complete crap]

The thought creeps back again, and makes its way down my face.
I thought for sure this faze of disgrace was gone, and i had moved on.
At least a bit from the wreckage left before. I had gone to that store and bought a book which i read. I did the things it said, and i convince myself they know.
But i dont know.
Delete the number. okay i did. Dont talk to him, for he rid himself of you.
So why should you give light of day to a man who wouldnt do it the other way?
There was a reason it ended, and wasnt mended.
Time does not stop for me. Now the aching goes and comes,
And i'm changing from what i was into something undone, and incomplete.
Please just fill this hole inside, but No! Nothing can compete.
He's gone.
I realize this, i do.
And now im just lacking something to hold on to.
I have no support. Sure, there are those there, but only one knows.
Only one knows enough to care.
I stare, at the sight of an old memory.
And then i feel the scales tightening around me.
As the slimy green mass coils.
And I am undone.
But let me tell you something, I am still holding strong.
Does this mask please you and ease you?
It does not me. But I am not setting myself free.
It is not for me.
Bits come and go and my lungs are compressed as my tongue has confessed these things.
Let me rest away from my being, I am sick of myself.
And my skin wont shed as yours can.
Squeeze tighter if you can stand it.
Burst, oh heart, and be done!
The big green snake, he has won!


7.
undone


8.
The Weak's End


You make the scenery bleed away.
You left my world, you can't enter again.
It doesn't work that way.
I want you gone. [I want you to stay]
No, I wont speak to you
you don't want me, and I don't want you.
We've been living in different worlds, mine consisting of honesty.
And honestly, you have become an unpleasant memory.
My God, I haven't felt in so long the need to purge myself of light like I do tonight!
I hope you're doing alright
because I'm trapped in why not's and what if's
and it's not worth it, really.
Nothing done will fill me.
After all, my level of trust is running on empty.
And you don't love me.
So there's no point.


9.
No, I've had it, I dont need time.
Everything's already been burned in my mind
and I've formed conclusions and reformed them again.
Only to end from where I began.
In a battle of wits both sides of me pitted against each other.
One the mind and one the heart, one for logic, one for lover.
And all those around me know which side will win,
"Neither side of her, for it matters not to him."
And I agree, honestly, I dont stand a chance,
why do i persist in writing romance,
that will never occur, it was last years news.
like writing a prayer in hopes that you'll choose
to sway your heart from that side to mine.
I cant say.
I just wish something concrete would appear,
so I could move on, or live perfectly, here.


10.
Maybe it was something I took.
It's the red pill, it has to be, I knew it must've done something to me,
See, I bought the quick-dry concrete instead of the long set,
and now I'm sitting here stuck in that I can't forget the idea of you and me.
What a fan-freakin-tastic place to be.
No, it's not just my feet ankle deep caught in this sludge,
It's my heart, and even to sustain a beat, it wont budge.
And it's not me being stubborn, shockingly enough,
I've willed it to move on, but it's scarred and its tough.
And through all the pulling in quick drying paste,
I find my fingers stuck, because of my haste,
to be strong.
I should've known the decision I was making was wrong,
but there was something completely blocking my view.
God, why didn't I just pick the blue?
Was it because I thought I knew you?
Does it seem now that we were incorrect to expect so much from what we had?
Or was it just me who thought this iron-clad
and you somehow knew I wasnt for you?
But if that is the case, then I hate intuation.
because it's led me to a lie, and changed my postion,
from a girl who gets over and moves on,
to one who stays in place to face heartbreak, hoping she's standing for something great,
yet knowing she must look a grey mess with her hands stuck to the left side of her chest, but not caring.
For shes protecting her heart while afraid of tearing her fingers away,
worried to find that her love, my love, was just a figment.
And looking up I would see my own pigment fade from my skin,
for there would be nothing left to live for within.
And waking I would find that all I ever believed was a lie.
Tell me, was I reborn, or have I just died?


11.
Where did my want of winters go?
When the cold was cherished above all else for the love it brought me and the heat it would create,
Now winter encases my body in the ever growing dysfunction of perpetual lonliness and self-hate.
What has nature done to me?
For so long the smell of snow would linger in my nose bringing the hope of fire.
A fire burning, deep in the pit of my stomach, giving fuel to a desire so great it would consume me.
Now all that's left is the ash of last years love,
and the season that created it's existence now reaches out with its' icy hands to suffocate any embers left warm.