Pools of Cerulean

Dec 14, 2007 - 15:17 PM PST

So, I write.

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She walked down the hallway alone. She was always alone during study hall. Craig more than often went to the library, and she eventually joined him as well, but sometimes she would quickly go to her locker or head to the bathroom before joining the pool of testosterone...none of which she really liked hanging out with.

She made it to her locker, grabbed her lock, and spun it around until the correct numbers matched up with the etching at the top of the lock. Left, right, left. Or was it right, left, right? She didn't remember. She didn't have to. It was second nature for her. The lock fell apart and the locker slowly swung open as Sarah stared at the pictures that filled the inside. There was a picture of Jade, Marie, and her in Bridgeport just hanging out; a picture of her, Natalie, Ethan, and Jon - her ex-boyfriend - spending the day at an ice rink in Hartford; a picture of Lee, her best friend - or rather, ex-best friend - with her last year at the final football game. They were huddled close because it was freezing that night; she remembered it perfectly. She could see the edges of his blanket wrapped around them, the red and black face-paint that covered their bright rouge cheeks, Lee's wooly hat that read 'Fairfield Football', and her own 'Fairfield Soccer' headband.

Sighing, she stared at the picture a little longer than she felt she should and bent down to the bottom of her locker to grab her books for the homework she needed to get started on that day. Shoving them into her backpack, she stood up straight again before shutting her locker and locking it up tightly, spinning her lock to zero as she always did. Slowly, but surely, she began to head towards the library.


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Lee sat in biology - or rather, AP bio, the 'smarter' version - wishing he were anywhere but there. He tapped his number two pencil on the desk; tap, tap tap, tap, tap tap. The beats turned into a rhythm, and the rhythm into a song. He had no idea which song it was in particular, but he knew he liked it.

He stared blankly ahead, not even paying attention to whatever Mrs. Brown was saying - don't get him wrong, he had tried paying attention before. Keyword there was 'tried'. After that, he glanced around the room for a hot girl to look at - there was only Raquelle, but she was dating Tyler, who would beat him up if he ever so much as breathed in her direction. So, this left him staring blankly ahead at the person's back in front of him. Wow, it was just so interesting.

He thought ahead to the future, the future being next hour - English. What would they do in his worst subject today? He barely managed to keep a C average in the class, yet all his teachers kept putting him in the advanced course. He didn't mind, of course - all the hot girls were in advanced English, which was a definite honorarium (noun; 'extra' or 'bonus', as he learned in said class). Funny; it seemed as though whatever class he did the worst in, his best friend, Sarah, managed to pass with flying colors, and vice versa.

Best friend?

He lightly scoffed. More like ex-best friend, he thought bitterly. However, as much as he 'hated' her, he did miss her. Besides, it wasn't her fault that they drifted. She couldn't help getting sick. But he couldn't admit that it was his fault that he didn't come to visit her in the hospital; he had too much pride. In reality, he was too scared to see her. She had asked him countless times to come visit her, and he would always let her down. He didn't even make an excuse; he just never showed. He 'stood her up', so to speak. After she was released, they fought about something he couldn't even remember - maybe it was because they didn't really fight - and that was the end of that. Their friendship took years to build up, and only minutes to come crashing down.

How did it end so easily?

He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. The brown strands were starting to get a bit long, which meant his father would soon force him to get it cut. This led to another exciting afternoon stuck in the bathroom while painfully watching his mom cut his bangs unevenly, and the rest of the mop shorter than his liking. He shuddered, already dreading the thought. He tried to let his mind wander, but it ended up straying back to the fateful day that one of his greatest relationships ended...


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"Sarah, you're back! How are you feeling?"

Everyone had crowded around her frail body, worried that just the motion of breathing would knock her back onto the floor. But she had managed to hold her ground, standing up as straight as she could manage, and smiling softly, reasurring everyone that she would not be heading back into the hospital any time soon.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," she repeated, keeping that smile on her face. The words felt rehearsed, she had said them so often that day. Her friends told her about the homework she missed, the laughs she had forgotten, the tears she didn't wipe away, and the love that she had lost...almost.

"Lee was worried sick about you," Jade said as Sarah grabbed her books from her locker.

She slammed it shut with a bit of anger and laughed, a sense of sarcasm in her tone. "Lee?" She exclaimed. "If he was worried so much, why didn't he come to visit me!?"

Jade stared at her oddly. "He didn't see you at all?"

She shook her head. "I asked him constantly; he always said he'd come, but he never did. He didn't even say why he couldn't come; he just didn't." She looked down as she rested her hand against her locker, slightly panting from using up the little energy she had.

"Well...he said he wanted to talk to you." Jade felt a satisfying grin form on her face.

Sarah's eyes widened as she looked at her friend. "Um...why?" She bit her lip as she felt her heart start to beat a little faster.

"Oh, no reason." She shrugged, trying to look innocent, which never worked. "Well, I gotta get to class, but I'm sure you'll be seeing someone very soon." Smiling, she winked, and walked away.

Sarah shuddered. "I wish she wouldn't wink at me," she muttered to herself, slinging her backpack over her shoulders as she headed to study hall.

"Sarah!"

She immediately stopped. The halt was so severe, her shoes squeaked against the floor. As she heard the footsteps near her, she curled her hands into fists, her ivory knuckles daring themselves to grow paler. The anger raging inside made her arms quiver slightly as it surged throughout her entire anatomy. The sigh that escaped her lips raised her shoulders, and as they lowered, it felt as if a giant boulder was placed on them, wishing to push them down even further. She closed her heavy eyelids for a moment, then struggled to open them again, revealing her once cerulean blue eyes, which had dulled to a light gray.

"Lee."

He hadn't heard her.

"I'm glad to see you back...are you okay?" He placed a hand on her sunken shoulder as if it was nothing. It really wasn't anymore.

"Hmm..." she began, and almost couldn't bring herself to continue; it wasn't who she was. But it was what he needed to hear. "Maybe if you had come to visit me, you would know if I was okay or not."

Lee's sepia eyes widened as his hand retreated like an army surrendering and walking away from battle. That's how he felt. Knowing Sarah would have more to say, he kept quiet, impatiently waiting to see who would make the next move. He hoped she would.

"Don't you have anything to say?"

Apparently she had hoped he would.

She spun around, and a pang of guilt - more like a stab of guilt - took over Lee's entire being. Her pearly skin, which usually had a tint of coral pink, had now lost all sheen and had a green tinge to it, as if it were left in the ocean by the seaweeds for too long. Her bright eyes were no longer brilliant, or full of life and emotion. The spark that was ignited in them before had been doused by tears and reduced to a small flame that couldn't even light the corner of a room. Those lips - those pale, malnourished lips - had lost all rose and passion.

It was Sarah - but not the one he knew.

"Actually," he began, "I do." He grabbed her chin and kissed those lips, hoping the moment would never end. He had closed his eyes, but he only wished he could see those gray eyes sparkle and ignite back into their bright blue. He wanted to give life back to those dreary lips, those lifeless eyes, that lackluster skin. He wanted them to return their colorful, spirited, lively selves. He wanted her to revert back to her animated, humorous, intelligent self. He wanted her to return to Sarah. He pulled away, opening his eyes, hoping to see the Sarah he once loved and yearned for.

But that Sarah didn't return.

Instead, she recoiled, her eyes darting to the floor. It was clear she felt violated. She eluded, looking up at Lee, then back at the floor. Shaking her head, she began with, "I'm sorry, Lee..." and then added something else that wasn't audible before she turned around and walked to the end of the hallway. She turned right, and then disappeared forever.

Lee was left standing there in that hallway, alone. "I'm sorry, too."

The bell rang.


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"Your assignment for tomorrow is to read pages one-hundred-eighty to one-hundred-eighty-seven," Mrs. Brown called to the students as they packed up their books, but it was unlikely she was heard. The sound of slamming biology books shut and zipping up backpacks overpowered her need to be heard. Lee lifted his heavy head from his desk and began to pack up as well, slinging his bag lazily over his shoulder and shuffling out of the classroom.

Sarah, meanwhile, sighed and ran her fingers through her hair furiously, upset that she couldn't quite get a grasp on algebra II. Actually, she couldn't get a grasp on math at all. I should ask Lee for help, he was always the math genius. She shook her head. That's right, I'm not talking to him anymore. She sighed, feeling stupid for letting her pride get the best of her...but he was a jerk. And a loser. So, she grabbed her things without hesitation as she began to head to English.


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"Addy, why didn't you join my fantasy football league?" Lee bugged a girl in his English class. What everyone called 'bugging', he called 'flirting'.

"Um, I dunno..." she looked up at him with a fake confused look. "Maybe it's because you cheat when you're commissioner." She scoffed and rolled her eyes, clearly not impressed. She decided to turn her attention elsewhere by fishing through her backpack for her English supplies. Lee, realizing after a good thirty seconds that she wasn't going to talk to him anymore, shrugged, walking to his seat and unpacking his English supplies.

Sarah arrived a little later, seeing Lee unpack his things. She wanted to cry when she saw him. How could she let herself lose such a great friendship over something so trivial?

Trivial? she asked herself. It wasn't trivial; I could have died..."And he didn't even care." She peeled her eyes away from him and headed to her own seat, but not without stealing one last glance of the boy with whom she used to share all her secrets, confide, ask for homework help, help out with girl advice, be forced to dance at parties, partner up during class projects, play football, fight, and love.

Love.

I need to talk to him.


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He was usually gone after that final bell rang. Their lockers were at opposite ends of the hallway, so by the time Sarah made it to his, he had disappeared to who knows where. Only a miracle would prevent him from fleeing the scene so quickly.

If he's gone when I get to his locker, then our friendship is not meant to be.

That miracle would happen today.

Lee was on his knees by the bottom of his locker, digging through it as if he were trying to get through to the other side of the wall. "Shit," he cursed under his breath. "Where is my trigonometry homework!?" He slammed his hand on the locker next to his, shaking his head. Nothing seemed to be going the way he wanted to the past few days, months...the past year. He found himself regretting his actions or getting angry at himself a lot more lately, and he had no idea why. He didn't even notice Sarah approach him and watch as he struggled pretty spectacularly.

"Lee...?"

A surge was sent through his body, causing him to jump at the sound of her voice. He glanced up to see who was there, and did a double-take when he realized who it was. "...Sarah?" He was almost afraid to speak her name, as if he wasn't allowed to. As if uttering the word would singe his tongue. He shook his head, quickly trying to recover. "Um, hey...how are you?"

Sarah glanced at the floor, then at him, then back at the floor. She wanted to speak - she had to - but for some reason, no sound would escape from her lips. All she could manage to stutter was, "I'm f-fine."

Lee stared at her for a moment, wondering if she would continue to speak. After he realized she wasn't, he decided to speak for her. He stood up, sighing. "Listen, I think I know why you're here. This is..." he looked down, regaining his courage, and then looked her in the eyes. "This is about me not visiting you when you were sick, isn't it?"

Relieved that he was the one to admit it, Sarah nodded. Suddenly, speaking didn't seem so hard anymore. "I'm not mad at you." He opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off. "I was - don't get me wrong - but now I realized that it's not good to hold grudges. All I want to know..." She hesitated. Why? "...All I want to know is why you didn't come to see me after I asked you to." She stepped closer to him. "I needed you, Lee," she began, feeling the anger return to her. "You were my best friend; you were the one who I thought I could share everything with and would be by my side through thick and thin. You were my everything."

"No I wasn't." Lee regreted the words the minute they egressed from his mind, let alone his mouth.

Sarah was about to continue until the words processed in her mind. "What?"

"...I didn't want to see you," he breathed. Then, a little louder, he added, "I couldn't see you. Every time I thought about seeing you or just you in general, an image of you lying in a hospital bed hooked up to wires and machines would pop into my head. It wasn't a very pleasant sight." Great excuse.

Sarah scoffed. "That was why you couldn't see me? You think I wanted to get sick? That I wanted to be hooked up to those wires and machines? Half of the time, I didn't even know what the doctors were doing to me. Also, I'm sure my other friends didn't really like the idea of seeing me near death, but you know what? They came to see me anyway! They actually cared to fight their thoughts and see how I was doing! Why couldn't you just muster up the courage to come? Or were you just too busy with sports and girls to even remember that your best friend was lying in the ICU, holding on for dear life just so she could see her own best friend one last time!?"

"I did visit you!"

"You're such a liar!"

"Sarah, shut up! I did see you!" He flung his bag to the floor, and the two collided with a giant bang that echoed loudly through the empty hallway. Sarah jumped at the noise, realizing that Lee was, in fact, telling the truth. But, when did he see her? How come she hadn't seen him?

"...When?" She swallowed, fighting back tears, wondering where this emotion came from. She couldn't cry in front of Lee. Not here, not now.

He decided to just get it over with and tell her. "It was about a week after you were admitted. I had heard you were still unconscious, but I wanted to see you. I had even brought you flowers." Sarah thought back to the flowers that were on a table by the window in her hospital room. Her mother had told her her father had brought them. Lee continued. "The minute I saw you, I wanted to leave. I couldn't bear to see you like that." He looked down, feeling his face redden, glad he wasn't making eye contact anymore. "But, I gathered up the courage to stay and see how you were. I sat by your bed for three hours, hoping that you would wake. But you never did. By the time I left, my feelings had made a complete one-eighty; I wanted to stay."

Sarah was speechless. So he had come to visit her, and all this time, she wasn't talking to him because she thought he hadn't. "Why...why didn't you tell me? Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"I didn't want you to know I had come to visit you."

"Why!?" Frustruated, Sarah ran up to him and lightly slammed her hands against his chest. She looked up at him, eyes tear-stained, wishing he would make eye contact.

He never did.

"I didn't want you to know because..." He couldn't finish. He wanted to, but he couldn't.

Sarah, meanwhile, waited with baited breath to see what he would say, what he would do, how he would act, how she would react. She gripped onto his sweater, trying not to hurt him, but at the same time, forcing the tips of her fingers to go white. If only he knew how much she wanted him to continue, to erase that elipsis and just get to the point. If only he knew what she was feeling.

If only she knew what he was feeling.

And she could right now. Three words was all it would take to either bring them to new heights, or have the two come crashing down. Did he want to risk it? Did he want to pour his heart out to her, only to have her throw it on a bed of sharp nails, slam it to the ground, step on it a couple of times, and break it in half, shoving it back into his chest without stitching up the wound so he would bleed to death? Would it end up that way? Or would she take his libation and drink it up, bringing their relationship to the next level in that single moment?

Then he remembered. He had done that once before. Without words, but with action. They do, after all, speak louder. She had shoved him away and shrunk back, speechless. She had used action as well, rather than words.

They do, after all, speak louder.

So, instead, he decided to keep quiet, staring back at her, watching her slowly back away and back down. She looked around her, searching for the right words to say. "You're not going to tell me, are you?" She looked up at him with those cerulean eyes for what they didn't know would be the last time.

All he could do was shake his head and stare back at her with his sepia eyes. Then, closing his locker, he turned his back to her and walked to the end of the hallway. He turned right, and then disappeared forever.