Random Thoughts

Feb 27, 2008 - 21:43 PM PST

I wrote this on Tuesday May 22, 2007.
I found it just now while searching through my old computer files.

I am sitting on my bed after watching the Illusionist. It’s the sort of movie, which is so full of love and emotion you feel almost empty after it is finished.. I’ve been fascinated with movies lately. Blood diamond, the departed, déjà vu. All of these pull you in… latch on to you until the credits role when you are finally let go of and are able to once again take a deep breath. They are the best kind of movies. The ones that make you think. I think I’m hooked on them because as a sophomore in high school I’m lost. It’s the kind of stage that is expected therefore it is agonizing. We all have to find ourselves at some point, I hope. I’m stuck in between stages. No longer holding onto meaningless month long relationships and being fascinated with looking cool, but not quiet at the stage where college is all I can think about. I’m in the middle where I want to be 20 but can’t even drive myself around without a parent in the car. There are so many of us girls who wish we were 25. Only if we could drive and go clubbing to meet the perfect guy and get married. To fall in love. But why is there such a rush? Why does it feel like the world is in some sort of marathon and the prize at the finish line is clouding who we truly are. I am content living in an affluent town with friends I have know since I was 5 but I guess as most teenagers feel I want more and I feel as though I have more to offer and experience and I know this but waiting is driving me mad. I know I will have hundreds of experiences in which I say to myself, “This is what life is about”, and I already have but I selfishly want more. I want to be able to have a conversation with someone in which I am able to tell them of what I have done to help others, who I am, and know confidently that I am being true to myself. I hate when people say, “just be yourself.” What does that mean? What if you have no idea who you are? Then what. What happens then? I only know a tiny part of who I am although I do know who I want to be if that counts. I guess knowing who you want to be is a good thing. I love to look at the people around me and question why they turned out the way they did. Was it their family? Or was it merely biology. There genetic makeup, predetermined that shaped who they are today. The age-old question of nature vs. nurture.