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Jays9lives | Riverside, CA • United States , Age 19

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Self Distruction

Mar 23, 2008 - 21:27 PM PST

Why is it that everytime I get close to someone I find myself challenging them. Not in a good way either. Ever since I lost my *ex* best friend to the school bitch in 7th grade, it seems that I wont allow myself to become too close to any one person. I will do anything to find out what theyre really thinking. If they really like me, or if they are using me like she did. It drives me crazy. I question whether my friends are really my friends, and then I end up not allowing myself to make new friends. I keep them at the safe comfortable distance of aquaintance. This tends to leak into relationships with guys as well. I can never believe that anyone would ever want to be with me. Why would he want to be with me, when that girl is so much better? Why are they friends with me, when I'm so different from them? I know that everyone doubts them self to some point, but why must I let it over come my feelings for other people, and destruct my friendships and possible relationships. Why are you friends with me? I have nothing in common with you. I have trouble believing when someone says they like me, at any level. Its not possible. You like me? Hah. Thats a laugh. Why must I continue to think and act this way. Is it self confidence? I put on a good act around people. But I continue to self destruct relationships. And I dont understand why.

Title: Self Distruction

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Added: 03-23-2008

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Views: 139

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angelena

Apr 14, 2008 - 19:37 PM

Maybe its not just that one incident in 7th grade, but if it is, you can't let one stupid bitch ruin what could be your best friend for life, or your soul mate. She doesn't deserve the credit, and you deserve better. I don't know anything about you, you're right, maybe we don't have anything in common. I do know what self distruction is like, and I do know that there is a way out of it. The first huge step you have to take is realize that you could be better. Realize that you could someday become closer than ever with someone. If you actually acknowledge the fact that it might/could actually happen, then maybe, if you let it, it will.

writergirl...

Mar 26, 2008 - 22:00 PM

This is EXACTLY how I feel, down to the last word (with the small exception of losing my bff in 8th grade). I always feel like that - completely doubting myself.

writergirl...

Mar 26, 2008 - 21:59 PM

This is EXACTLY how I feel, down to the last word (with the small exception of losing my bff in 8th grade). I always feel like that - completely doubting myself.

faerye

Mar 24, 2008 - 19:52 PM

i am kind of going through this right now actually.. i'm getting really close to this guy, and really fast too, it's startling how much i care about him already. so at the moment, i feel like i'm distancing myself a little. it's really hard to get close to people, especially if you've been betrayed in the past. i was manipulated by my "best friend" in middle school and i've been cheated on at least once and i guess you just have to slowly build your trust back up. i like to believe that everybody is inherently a good person, and i think i tend towards too trusting. but it's also about self confidence too. you are who you are, and you shouldn't doubt when people are drawn to who you are. i should take my own advice too though :) sometimes i have doubts too. just be the best person you can be and try not to compare yourself to others. and opposites can tend to attract, ya know?

gardenstat...

Mar 24, 2008 - 18:02 PM

ugh... I don't understand either, but I get the whole, "keeping them at a safe comfortable distance of aquaintence"... I always feel that way too. It's like my friends don't quite speak the same language as I do, or they don't know the real me - and if they did they wouldn't like it or something - It's so confusing, and it always causes me to say "I'm doing fine" when my life is falling apart and then I get frustrated because no one is there to help me, but it's simply because no one knows, but at the same time - if they did know would they understand? It's a vicious circle! - Loved your writing