Simply Scared...

Jan 11, 2008 - 15:46 PM PST

I've been thinking recently. Now in my case, that usually ends in a short span of depression. Cause see, I've been thinking about my future, and frankly, I'm scared. I don't necessarily have that dog eat dog mentality, nor do I really want to have it. Will this mean that in a "dog eat dog world" I'll end up laying in a grave? But thats not really the biggest thing that scares me, cause frankly thats pretty far down the road. What really scares me is moving across the country. Is it weird that it thrills me so much? And moving so far away isnt even the part that scares me. I'm scared that once I do get out, and leave (what I've been working towards ever since I can remember), that I'll never want to come back. Not even permanitly come back, but just for visits or what ever the case may be. It scares me that I feel like once I leave, I, in a sense, want to disconnect myself from everything that is here. I want to leave and never be reminded of what is here. In retrospect, its not that bad here, its just that, I feel like theres just so much more I can experiance and live by leaving and not looking back. I've never been the kind of person to deny who I am or where I came from, but suddenly it feels like that may be what I have to do. I worry so much about what people (especially those in my family) will think of me and what I've done with my life. Will they think I'm a failure if I go the hard road but in my eyes succeed at what I'm doing? Will they support me if at some point I need their help? Its so hard to understand, even for myself, how these same people can sit there and support me as long as I'm doing what they want me to do. But as soon as I try to venture out into my own little world, it's as if I'm on my own. I'd rather be completely on my own, then have a false sense of hope that some one will be there for me when I fall. Maybe I'm just trying to hard to make it on my own that I'm in some weird way refusing the support that I somehow can't see? Once I leave, I feel like I can completely recreate myself. I don't have to be what everyone here sees me as. I know I can't just suddenly go from that quiet kid in the corner to the outspoken class clown per se, but I can surround myself with the people I want to surround myself with, rather then the people I feel I have to surround myself with. I'm scared for so much that at sometimes I feel like I'm just standing idol and my life is passing by at a million miles a second. Like in some movies or commercials where the girl is standing in the middle of the street and everything is passing by her at light speed. I keep telling myself that its ok. That eventually I'll find someone and something to live for and to give meaning to my life. I haven't found it here. Will I find it when I move? And if I don't, will I continue to search? What if I never find what I'm looking for? I'm not even sure I know what exactly it is that I'm looking for. Sure, I have a general broad idea, but the details are like scrambled eggs. I have a plan. A broad, general plan. Get out. Leave. Don't come back. Find yourself. How? I have no idea. I'm headding to college in the fall and when I do, will it be what everyone says it is? I'm scared it wont be for me. Because frankly, everyone said the same things about high school, but high school has been the worst experiance of my life. Its so hard to make things work when people around you are working against you, seemingly. I'm scared to take a step. I'm scared to move. But its what I have to do. So, when I do, will it all be worth it? Will dividing myself of everyone and everything I know be worth it? Is my own happiness worth everything I'm willing to put myself and my family through? Or am I just being selfish?