So it's that way, is it?

Dec 26, 2007 - 09:16 AM PST

So...Christmas. I can remember being a little kid and just so utterly excited for Christmas...the anticipation, the holiday spirit - yeah yeah all that - but really all I wanted was presents! And then not getting just exactly what you wanted (and first it was Santa who must have gotten something wrong, and then - well it was your parents that got it wrong, because somewhere around 8 you realized that Santa could in no way have the same hand writing as mom or dad). And so has happened to me yet again.

I'm a simple person. I don't whine and cry when I want something. Honestly, I don't. But have you ever wanted something so bad that it hurt?

So here's a long story that I will try to make short:

Never have I wanted to get married, or have kids. I have seen many relatives get married, have kids, get divorced. I don't want that to happen to me, or my kids. Well, it won't, right? If I don't get married and don't have kids?!

Okay, so that changed. I am 26 at this point. The clock's a tickin'. I'm getting older...but like I've said before, do I need to buy my grandmother's perfume? NO! But - Hear me: I WILL NOT GIVE BIRTH TO CHILDREN AFTER 30!!!!!!!!!! I REFUSE to be like, 50 when my kid is only 8!!!

So, anyway, back to the story...I've given in to it, the whole marriage thing and the babies too. And well, my boyfriend of 9 years this September 2008 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) finally hears me say this (although having kids still scares the be-Jesus out of me), I've committed! And not so very long ago in a half drunken sleep stupor, he says to me while we lay currled up together in bed "I'm going to ask you to marry me soon..."

I in NO WAY dreamed this or made this up in drunk-memory time. Nope! And so, here comes Christmas...and not a god damn thing whatsoever in relation to marriage. I won't complain about what he did get me, because well, of the few things I did ask for, he did his best to see to it that I got them.

So now I'm at the point of really not caring, and thinking, "well, that's how it is, is it?" I was so utterly disappointed last night that I thought I might cry. And you know? It's not like it shold matter all that much, I mean we bought a house together! What more of a committment is that, right???

Honestly, it's not even about the act of getting married or any of the whole shebang that goes with it. It's the point of getting a ring it's the point of showing THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD that he loves me and wants everyone to know it.

So, like I said (yes ever so bitterly) "it's that way, is it?"