So...what do you do?

Feb 20, 2008 - 10:46 AM PST

“Even though I don’t like my day job, it feels like everyone judges me by that job, which makes me feel worse about myself. How can I get people to see me differently? How can I get past this? It feels weird the way I don’t like telling people what I do for a living.” – M.E., age 24

I decided to begin with this question, which is one that I hear often, because it concerns another broader issue that Dylan’s quote brings up: Our generation often defines ourselves – and others seem to define us – by what we do, rather than who we are. Worse, “do” has become shorthand for how we earn a living. We might stammer over our answer to the Party Question From Hell, omnipresent at happy hours, cocktail parties, wedding receptions, reunions, etc.: “So … what do you do?” That question used to drive me nuts because I judged myself the way I assumed other people were judging me by my answer. I hated my first job out of college, so every time someone asked me that question, I crumbled inside.

I think this is an especially difficult question for those of us whose passions lie in the arts. You might be an amazing painter, a riveting dancer, or an edgy photographer, but feel like people judge you by your day job. And maybe people do. But the idea that we’re defined by whatever we happen to do to make money – the idea that the way we earn a paycheck constitutes the bulk of our identity – is just silly. This is an important time in life to learn to separate who you are at heart from who you are on paper. Don’t let people compartmentalize you into a job-related box, if your job is just a job and not a passion.

So (pardon the pun here, but), what do you do? Although it’s easy to suggest, but difficult to put into action, you could try shifting your attitude about work, worrying less about how others view you, boosting your self esteem by just doing your own thing, or making a point not to let talk about your work life take up more than, say, a quarter of your conversations outside of the office.

Better yet, try this: Rebel against the question. Identify yourself as who you want to be. When someone asks you, “So… what do you do?” answer not with your crappy day job but with what you do for fun, or what you do in your free time, or what you wish you were doing. “I play drums on weekends.” “I paint landscapes.” “I write screenplays.” “I build stuff.”

The Party Question From Hell is often just someone’s lame way of making conversation – and what you do for fun might be a much better conversation spark than how you make money, anyway. Besides, answering the question with what you wish you were doing for a living can sometimes turn out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more people you tell about your aspirations, interests, or talents, the more likely it is that you will meet someone who can hook you up – with a job, a connection, or a lead. And the more you learn to identify yourself the way you want to be identified, the better you’ll feel about yourself, which will make you care less when people ask you dumb filler questions in the first place.


If you’d like to Ask Alex about life, love, jobs, home, family, friends, emotional, or identity issues, email her at robbinsbooks(AT)gmail.com.


Who is Alexandra Robbins?

Quarterlife Advice Columnist Alexandra Robbins
Author of Conquering Your Quarterlife Crisis; The Overachievers; Pledged ; and other books about college and post-college life

Alexandra Robbins is a journalist who has written for several publications, including
Vanity Fair, The New Yorker, Atlantic Monthly, The Washington Post, and Forbes, and regularly appears on national television on shows such as The Colbert Report, Oprah, The Today Show, 60 Minutes, Anderson Cooper 360, and The View. Some of her books include Pledged: The Secret Lives of Sororities, and Secrets of the Tomb, about George W. Bush’s secret society Skull and Bones. A consultant on generational issues, she frequently lectures at universities, high schools, corporations, alumni and professional associations, and other organizations about quarterlife issues, and has interviewed thousands of twentysomethings and thirtysomethings on the subject.

Hailed by the press as “an excellent stylist and a first-rate mind” and “a media celebrity,” Robbins has developed a riveting signature style of investigative journalism that reads like a fast-paced work of fiction. The New York Times said Robbins’ latest book, The Overachievers, an Editors’ Choice, “reads like very good ...fiction, thanks to its winning cast, its surprising plot twists and its pushy parents.” People Magazine named The Overachievers its Critics’ Choice, gave it four out of four stars and called it “impossible to put down,” and Entertainment Weekly called it “quick and riveting.”

However, these days, Alexandra seems to be more commonly known as the chick who called Stephen Colbert a d-bag.

For more information, please visit www.alexandrarobbins.com

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