Sticks and Stones May Hurt My Bones...

May 28, 2008 - 15:04 PM PST

sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Life is such a play- the experiences we draw into our lives are there to guide, heal and show us what we may have believed about ourselves. As a kid, the love I received from my parents and others was conditional- this is not to blame, just to observe- for all of us come from this place of learning, including my parents.

They were taught that love is a game of give and take- rights and wrongs- being something vs. not being something.
I followed the ideals- I am sure for the first few years of my life I didnt-I always threw temper tantrums and now I get why- I wasnt being seen or heard.

Because I learned that if I was GOOD or RIGHT or "pleasing" I took this into all areas of my life.
The reason I am bringing this up now, 34 years later is I am burning this bridge- the bridge of "having to be something in order to receive love"- the bridge of HARDSHIP, ownership, sacrificial ship- all the ships I carried in my baggage upon my back.
burning. When I left my husband in April and filed for a divorce- I did not know WHY- I knew his love was conditional- one moment he would say, "I support you", and then the next he would say, "What you are doing is wrong, because it is not convenient for me"-
i felt like a ping pong ball, not knowing how or when he would LOVE me.....
When I was done with the GAME, every ounce of me said go to a lawyer. My gut was screaming- to file through the court- although this is not my nature.
The interesting part is that I followed it and have continued to listen to my inner most guidance -
all along the evidence of WHY has been made clear.
It’s funny what happens when we lose "control"- we lash out, try and win, attack and make lies up to feel BETTER. The love my ex proclaimed for me became HATE in 5 minutes. Every ounce of what he said ,I said, became a game of competition and lies - do I want to believe them? No I do not.
Every word he uttered in a document of 29 pages about me did not ring true, in fact, it gifted me with the experience of saying NO – I’m done.

Words can only "hurt" when we believe them- when there is still a part of us that is under the guise of trying to attain love or win. Although i do not agree with his attacks and judgments on me and our relationship, I understand WHY he has to do it.

I look back and see the bridge burning. I look back and understand that all I wanted was love.
I look back and see how he was a mirror to what I grew up with and now that I am not being "the good girl" and standing up for me, he is trying to TAKE away things from me - punish.

I see now that he is running around in circles projecting his anger towards himself onto me.
I see now that I do not deserve, nor does my daughter deserve to be owned, treated disrespectfully and loved only when its convenient.

I write these words for all women and men who have been told that they are not good enough as is.
I stand in front of my ex, the court system, and my clients in integrity that it is time to live whole-ly, it is time to release old beliefs that we need someone to control us - or need to be better, prettier, smarter, the perfect wife /mom in order to receive love. I write these words for my daughter - for I continue to realize that i how navigate through this divorce will deeply affect her. I need to navigate in love - love of her dad...even though the stones are being thrown- love for men - even though i chose to be disrespected- and love of SELF.


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