Safe and Single

Apr 01, 2008 - 19:45 PM PST

i have to say i don't like the idea of being in love at all. i like my walls they keep me safe and single...oh really i'm a horrible dater. i'm tried the long term relationship and i found out i do have a heart but then it failed on me or i fail on it. i fell out or forgot i was in love with this person and i found myself arguing. it was a huge pause when my boyfriend, at the time asked me why i didn't or wasn't dating my friend, and asked me if i loved him or why i didn't...i was floored. this friend lives in another state. But when i found i couldn't answer really i was floored myself...have i been in love with my friend, why didn't it ever occur to me on my own. i remember once on the subway i wanted him to kiss me but that was only for a moment. My last visit was a month ago and i laughed to myself jesus i can't believe i struggled with the thought of loving him or not, silly he's my friend, kinda lazy boy in a way, but a hard worker, i can't imagine the kind of girl he make any effort for. i also wanted to steal his cat, such an awesome cat. At some point he made an effort asking did you want to kiss me last time you were here? Me? No come on you know me better than that if i wanted to kiss you i would have. Oh Right he forgot i'm not shy and i have never had a problem making a move.Whiskey sharing and he asked again i laugh and ask why because he wanted to kiss me and so i said well i lied.

well in way i wish this was true. then it would be ok i would the lair i have been made out to be. it was asked of me why i didn't date my friend and it did make me wonder. the roar of laughter in my head started and i realized how silly it was to even consider. i couldn't image my friend ever being good enough for me and i can't think of a day, when we wouldn't sit at the bar and try to find him a date. With what love has given me, taken out of me, and left me alone.i do wish my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend was right. maybe things really do happen like that? maybe i should just so he can stop accusing me and be right. by now the claims and constant blame have worn me out and i don't care and i want someone around who trust me. so i've quit defending it takes to much energy and i have real things that bother, that scare me a little. the last month i think he's been so fixed on that he has yet to notice how really worried and stressed i am about schools, how to pay for and why so someone would assign less value to my son. i wanted to marry him and now i just feel silly for having ever thought it, i wish he was really with me. so from now i just let him believe b/c its what he wants.

reading back on that first part i think i could take that and really build a good short story, i think i will. strangely writing it made me think about how i need to write more and i think now i could write a book with all that has been said, so many words i could use to form the idea of what i think he thinks is or has gone on, nothing new using yr own pain and things form personal like to make fictional version of yr own life. nothing original but it's mine to use as i choose.