Stressed....But Pressing On

Jun 04, 2008 - 08:58 AM PST

I've noticed that whenever I write in my journal I can never write what I'm really thinking..it's like I sugar coat everything..for myself. That probably makes no sense at all but that's the only way I know how to describe it. It's as if I'm being fake....to myself..?? lol. idk. But I'm going to try to type exaclty what I feel..no fake sugar coating,lol.

Lately, things have been stressful. Family stuff, money stuff, career stuff. I've kind of been stuck in a rut. My mom is having to deal with alot and I wish I could help her. I think she's on the verge of being depressed and I know what that's like. She'll be talking/venting to me about her problems and worries but all it's doing is putting this image in my head of her falling down a dark hole..and all I want is to give her my hand..but I can't reach her. She's a strong woman. Always has been. I just hate to see her with the weight of the world on her shoulders. Even with all the things she has to deal with, she still does everything she can to help me with my dreams. She's so proud of me and if I didn't have her support with my music career...I honestly don't think I'd be able to face the music industry by myself. One of the biggest motivations for me is to make it big as a singer so that I can take mom all over the world so that she can see the places she's always wanted to.

I'm confused, scared, intimidated, self-conscious, doubtful, and just disappointed when it comes to my singing. I was going to sign with this independent label, but my gut is telling me no. They aren't people I trust very much....or..at all. I also feel like there's something huge just around the corner and I don't want to miss it. Also, I had my hear set on going to Europe next summer and singing, But I'm having to make some changes. You see, my producer/pianist used to live in Europe for a couple years and knew people who would fly me over there and put me up in a hotel just so I could sing at ..whatever it might be..resteraunt, hotels, festivals, concert halls,..ect.
So I guess you could say that she was my "(free) ticket" to Europe...but things aren't working out anymore. This lady is an amazing pianist, but she's too much of a Diva. She's concieded, eccentric, dramatic, and paranoid, and it's not at all the kind of person that I want representing me (she's also my business manager). I'm constantly getting embarassed because of the way she acts...she thinks she's God's musical gift to all mankind. I don't care how good of a musician or singer you are...you don't act like that. But anyway, that's just a couple things that are bugging me about her.

My grandmother says that we'll still take a trip to Europe next year..we'll just have to pay..and I won't have those gigs that I wanted. Oh well, atleast I'll be in Europe. Haha, it's so weird because my two biggest dreams are to become a famous singer and travel all over the world. One without the other is still a dream come true..but it's not as great. I can't do without the other. If I had to pick between seeing the world..or becoming a famous singer...I don't know which one I'd choose.
I also don't know how we're going to manage to get to Europe next summer, because...we aren't rich. At all,lol. I'm in the process of saving as much as I possibly can until then though.

There is no way I'm giving up on what I want. I'm meeting a publicist soon and if we like each other then...I'll have me a publicist,lol. She's apparently a good singer or musician because she's played with alot of famous people..one being James Brown...so I'm guessing that's a pretty good sign,haha. I was told that she is THE person I need to be with if I want to make it big. But I've learned not to trust everything people say in this industry. People think that it's all down hill if you just get a label to sign you..but they have no idea. I've learned so much about this industry and I've barely gotten taste of it. It will rip to apart and then feed you to the lions. There are few people that you can trust...and I've met a BUNCH of rats so far. Greedy, selfish, lying people trying to take advantage of me for their own gain....it's almost not worth it...but I want this too bad to give up now. So all I have to say is BRING IT ON.

-Lauren Jackson