Stuck in my head

Mar 09, 2008 - 18:54 PM PST

So yeah. my mind is weird because as i said before i always seem to need some kind of an outlet. when i don't put things in a piece of art or a written or video blog i become very anxious and stressed. its not to a point where i cant control my emotions but inside it feels like the thoughts that have been running in my head are trying to scratch there way out. it just hasn't been helpful for me that i prefer doing video blogs over written blogs because for one thing i seem to be lazy when it comes to typing but as you are reading this realize that when i first started to write this it was only supposed to be a small paragraph of me telling you guys and gals that i need to get some things out of my head but i cant because my roommates have been home all day sitting next to me playing video games so i am unable to do a video blog without them hearing me ( i really wish i had invested in a laptop now lol). its not that i dont think that one of the roommates might not understand it but it is my other roommate that i feel i need to be concerned with what i am saying. He isn't very in tuned with how expressive i am and how i like to analyze everything that i see or do. i think i some ways because he was raised as a foster child he has blocked a lot of emotional connections with others. he is still a great guy to talk to but only on so many levels. my other roommate however seems to have a little bit more of understanding about some of the things i talk to him about. last night we got into a conversation on how it sucks to like a girl and you feel like making her feel special and then all of a sudden realize that you have changed a lot about yourself to make them feel like a queen but she hasn't even lifted a finger to show you the same kind of affection. thats not an easy subject to have come up with him. i mean i know that he has had a long term relationship in the past that didn't end well (obviously) but still to talk about it to a guy is hard.

Its just the security issue that i talk about a lot and how it is easier to talk to people who you probably will never see again than it is to someone like your parents who you are going to see and know the rest of your life. i mean i don't know a hell of a lot about my parents. i think if i had to guess a percentage of how much about my parents i know i would have to say only about 20%.. thats suck a small portion that i know about my parents and i don't think that i will ever know everything about them that i want to know.

but with that being said. last night i did have some kind of panic attack. it wasn't noticeable to anyone but myself thankfully. but it seemed as if my heart was working like a stress ball in my chest. i could tell it wasn't pumping any faster or slower, just harder. it literally felt like someone had there hand around my heart and when it was filled to capacity the hand would give it a full force squeeze and push all the blood out. it didn't hurt but it was scary to feel that coming from my chest. i was thinking about a lot of different things at this point including relationships, friendships, where im going to be living in about a month once my roommates graduated and move out, my financial woes of having to find a job and pay of not only the beginning of my tuition for school but also for a debt collection agency that has told me that i owe a debt to my old car dealership for a little under 15,000 bucks...can you see how this would put someone like me into a state like that? but the thing is i know that i probably would have been fine if it hadn't been for the fact that i had no place to vent this stuff to. like here on QL.

well i just needed to get some of this stuff thats been stuck in my head out so with that i want to say that thank you to Yami for the friend request, and to PeriwinkleJade, Vidrioman, and Preben for accepting my friend requests. as soon as my roommates go to sleep tonight i will be posting about 2 to 3 videos of stuff that i want to talk about. its just been really hard with them being home... i love there company but i hate that i cant do my video blogs... also check it out. remember when i said that i wanted this only to be a small paragraph stating why i have been stuck in my head? this doesn't qualify as small lol.