taking stock

Mar 23, 2008 - 21:43 PM PST

If I were a fish I would give my body to Jesus. Let him multiply me. Feed the hungry.

But the truth, I think, is that Jesus is about as real as I am a fish, and issues like poverty and hunger are often times too big for me to even think about, much less do anything about. If I could go back in time I'd love to meet some folks from the American Revolution. I think those fella's knew what they were talking about. I mean they really had a firm hold on what they thought life oughta be like and they fought tooth and nail for it. It's just that I feel more and more powerless and ignorant as the days pass and so I find myself envying anyone with a vision and a backbone.. I remember, as a child, imagining myself as an adult. First of all, I always pictured myself with a gotee which I couldn't grow if I wanted to (which I don't because unless you're over thirty five or so having a gotee's pretty douchebaggy). Anyway I always knew I would be doing something important. Maybe not on the big scale.. but I had a general assuredness about being fulfilled in life once adulthood rolled around. Now, here I am at twenty unemployed with three college credits under my belt and a handful of friends (most of which I find myself resenting and/or disliking for any number of reasons). My christian faith died, along with my faith in the traditional american family system and most of it's values. I feel like my guiding light in life has gone out. I feel like the past year or two I've been mourning the death of these things and struggling to keep my head above the emotional water. Now I'm back at zero trying to discern what is valuable to me when most of the things I measured my life by turned out to be faulty or corrupt. But somehow this beautiful little seed of hope continues to take root, no matter how many times myself and others have torn it out, it's a resiliant little bastard.

Maybe I can.

Maybe I will.

And this is where I sit. At the bottom of this mountain of junk and gold and shit and love trying to get my bearings. After so many transitions, maybe now I can try for an honest climb. I am only me. I'm tired of trying to be anything else.