The ownership of people

Dec 29, 2007 - 19:39 PM PST

All right.

So, I've been wondering. Actually, life has forced me to. I've recently gone out of a relationship, one that lasted over a year. And then I started thinking about why it all went wrong.

Amazingly (or not), one of the facts was that jealousy was lacking. Can you believe that? Well, now I kind of know that jealousy is part of a relationship, and that some people do miss it. Maybe trying to show that I was pretty laid-back or something ended up causing a dent in my relationship.

Another thing is the routine. I mean, the first months are fantastic, because you are getting to know the person. You're starting to realize what makes them tick. And that's fabulous, because we are truly entering in someone else's mind and heart. Problem is that sometimes this magic fades away, and everything becomes dull and uninteresting. What a shame really.

When we had what I called the last conversation (we still talk, although it hurts to see her every time we meet up) one of the facts that were brought up is that we can't own people. And that love, for being such a simple and pure feeling, cannot make one in chains. Now, this is just too mind-blowing for me.

Is it wrong to dream about building a family, having a serious and lasting relationship? Are these days gone? Am I being too old-fashioned? Am I actually lagging behind? You know, I've always considered myself an open-minded individual, but I seem to be so 'old school' when it comes to feelings.

Thing is that I'm really looking at how people actually manage their feelings toward this. Maybe love is, after all, to be spread. I'm not talking about taking yourself into pubs every day, making out with countless chicks for the sake of it. This is total not me. What I'm trying to say is that, maybe, at the end of the day, we don't belong to anyone, and that love is there to be shared by everyone.

Some will say "you're too young to say that", or "I've been married for 20 years and the magic is still there", etc. Well, I can only say congratulations for those who made it. As a matter of fact, I'm really confused at the moment about it. What does life expect of me? What do I expect? I just can't wait to see what's about to happen in my personal soap opera.

PS.: I know it may sound 'emo', I didn't mean it. Second of all, I'm Brazilian, so English is for me a second language. I don't think in English, and I don't talk in English. Anyway, any feedback on either my feelings or my writing will be appreciated. Cheers.