this is something else I wrote, I kind of liked it

Mar 05, 2008 - 15:44 PM PST

Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense.
To make all this go away and disappear.
I know that’s wrong because that’s my responsibility, and I know things get worse before they get better.
I walk around school hallways and look at the people.
I look at the teachers and I wonder why they’re here.
If they like their jobs,
Or us.
And I wonder how smart they were when they were fourteen.
Not in a mean way,
In a curious way.
It’s like looking at all the students and wondering who’s had their heart broken that day,
And how they’re able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report on top of that.
Or wondering who did the heartbreaking and wondering why.
Especially because I know if they went to another school, the person who had their heart broken would have their heart broken by somebody else,
So why does it have to be so personal?
It’s much easier not to know things sometimes.
Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody.
I wanted to laugh, or maybe get mad, or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me.
I think the idea is that every person has to live his or her own life and make the choice to share it with other people.
You can’t just sit there and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love,
You just can’t.
You have to do things.
I’m going to do what I want. I’m going to be who I really am. And I’m going to figure out what that is.
And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad for each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn’t do or what they didn’t know.
I don’t know.
I guess there could always be someone to blame.
It’s just different, maybe it’s good to put things in perspective, but sometimes I think the only perspective is to really be there.
Because it’s okay to feel things, and be who you are about them.
I was really there and that was enough to make me feel infinite.
I
feel
infinite.