thoughts on self-perpetualization

Mar 15, 2008 - 19:19 PM PST

To thrive or to disappear into nothingness—that is the ultimate paradox. What is more valuable, to honor the coming and going of opportunities – the pangs of time wasted – as environment dictates, or should I take an existential stand and direct my own fate in a world where decent into chaos is a law, yet if I succeed… prove them wrong. Failure—to be passive—purposeless; to be passive is to be apathetic and feel nothing—completely numb to the exhilaration of life – be it excruciating or ecstatic and the infinitely analogue scale in between – which are prospect to humanity. With so great a spectrum, it is easy to imagine the satisfaction that may come with concluding that experience. Failure—to give up. To give up—and perhaps be directed. Oy! But therein is the catch. What unique opportunities await when we let ourselves be directed after resigning self-interest and self-involvement? Enough to make us consider it. It is no wonder life is so revered and esteemed until death cannot be fought off any longer. You’d have to be mad to willingly don the pain of growing old, the burden to pay taxes, laboring to maintain personal security, the scrutiny of watchers, the toleration of bullies, the twinges of loss, the grief of regret, the sorrow of rejection, the agony of love, when making it end only takes for us to stop doing; to just—stop, give up. Still, we suffer these and more, for it is easy to suffer what we might understand and terrifying to embrace what we do not know. The person who gives up cannot un-give up and – not having given up – we wonder what happens to the ones who do. We bear what we must because we choose not to join those who are beyond out comprehension. In this fashion, instinct preserves our suffering. Unadulterated desire is thinned by fearful thinking, and precarious deliberation sways the momentum of a decision. Slow my thoughts now, my darling is coming. Miss! I pray God’s grace for you.