to look at your tombstone

Aug 27, 2008 - 17:05 PM PST

i spend all my time staring at your name, written so boldly on the tombstone above your grave. i can cry all i want but nothing i can do will ever be enough to bring you back. i havent run out of tears since youve been gone. i cant think of old memories with tears coming to my eyes. i cant look back at good times because you not there reminiscing by my side like we would always do. your not here anymore to smile with me as we would look at old pictures of being little kids and young family members. your not here to take pictures with me of you kissing me or holding my hand or hugging me. i can remember the warmth of every kiss, of every hug, of every little nap that we would spend folded in each others arms. im so sorry i cry, i know you wouldnt want me to. i just cant believe your really gone, how am i ever supposed to live the life of a normal person? how can i ever be in love again?
i love you. i wish i could have been there to say that to you when you were going. now im just sorry for everything and the only thing i can apologize to is this piece of stone that says your name on it. i love you so much and i dont want to be here without you. i want to see you again. i just miss you. ive never missed or longed for anything like i long for you. i would do anything for you to lay by my side again.
i always wear that ring you gave me, i never take it off. im still yours even though your gone. you have all of me, even though you arent here physically. its taking me days to write this to you, its so hard thinking about how hard i miss you. after i can stop crying, ill see a therapist, i promised. it might be good talking about you to someone who is trained to understand how im feeling. i cant cope right now. i have visitors regularly, im safe. everyone is wishing me the best, to pull through this but your all i need to get better. i know you cant be here though, i understand. your mom gave me the letters you wrote, she couldnt read them but i did. you loved writing, i wish you could be here to write again. some things in the letters were ironic. sometimes i wonder if you knew your time was coming. ive been told heaven was in need of an angel. i think heaven has bad timing. i need my angel back. your my everything. with you gone my future is just a blank page. i have no hopes for the future, no dreams, no goals, nothing to work towards or work for. im just living, breathing, struggling. you would want me to be alive, im alive.