Today.[Emotions]

Jan 02, 2008 - 15:07 PM PST

God I hate the way things are sometimes. The way I feel more specifically. I hate the fact that I still have feelings for him!
He is Justin.
I wish I could tell you how I feel about Justin because then maybe I could make sense of it all myself.
Justin supposedly has a split personality. I dont buy it. Zayne, his supposed other self, I think is a way for Justin to get away with saying what he really thinks and really feels and when the shit hits the fan he gets to say oh that was him. Its cute in a sort of immature way. Justin is really cute to me though. I mean hes tall, thin but not like omg geeky skinny, and he has really amazing eyes. I dated him twice and broke up with him both times. And today "Zayne" told me that Justin loved me...k so why didnt I know about this when I was dating him. Half the reason I broke up with him is because I didnt think he cared about me. This would have been useful then, its completely inconvenient now. Hah that sounds horrible, me calling love inconvenient. And theres a few other things that totally complicate this situation that havent the guts to write about yet, or the words to write. What do I do with this. Espspecially when I'm more attracted to the "Zayne" Justin because hes so much more free and fun when he is "Zayne". This is just one big fucked up situation. I'm supposed to call him but I just cant do it. Feelings are annoying.

Back to the rest of today.

All day Ive had this odd feeling. It's like I'm not even me anymore. Its like over the break I somehow became this new person. And I cant even figure out if its a good thing or a bad. I feel like Ive lost touch with the world almost. I feel very isolated and uninvolved. And I dont know why or even how this all came to be. As I walked down the hallway I felt like everyone was staring at me and their eyes were like these swirling vortex into which the very essence of my person was being sucked into and i was left there like some sort of self conscoius shell of what I was before. It was all very awkward. I almost dont know what to do with myself anymore. And in some strange way I'm calm and okay with all this.