two for one.

Jun 29, 2008 - 07:54 AM PST

two for one, two for one.
i wake early to emptiness
in a house one filled with
love and fun. i find myself
running on a treadmill,
hastily filling an empty
cup stuck with a hole in
the side. aiming concisely
away from my target, attaching
a faux, fake face of natural continuity
while my heart feels as if a
dawning dark halloween's jack-o-lantern.
my candle burns hot, bright on
constant ends with the wind.
though the seeds and fruit
have been scooped out, the empty
space has left room for
my light to shine from the inside.
i can't help but mourn this absence
of nurture and aspect for two
for one stands for what i've lost: half a family.
first is a sister. always on the forefront
now fronted by another without botherly
love. halt of this description is
recognition that it is complicated
relationship. where if the actions
of their interactions were dissected
the two would not even classify
as companionship. if love had three
strikes, she'd be well struck out
still swinging for the fences.
inside jokes of adoption from
the zookeeper now nonexistent, even
our social graces play no race
anymore. the second is a mother,
the person who fed the pumpkin
which grew with deep roots always
encouraging to shoot for the
stars for they aren't just decorations
in the skies but bullseyes to hit
while the sky, wide with views,
is the forest for which to explore.
when these bright stars left
my sky, it was only 30 miles away
but when home loses its home feel,
the people that used to help me heal
leave, now home seems but an empty brick
edifice where my heart used to take refuge.
i deny my emotions to take hold for
fear of weakness around left over family
members, though just as important
and very fortunate to have. sometimes
i can't fight the feeling that my candle inside
dims leaving me just an empty facade of a pumpkin.