Suicide/What if?

Dec 05, 2007 - 16:30 PM PST

Authors Note:This scene came to me in the exact same place that I describe, except it occurred at my college instead of my high school. I was walking past the railing and simply thought 'What would it be like to hang over the railing then let go?' I wrote it at the top floor looking down and actually stood up leaning over the railing. After writing the second vision, I felt ill to my stomach and couldn't look down at the ground floor for the next month. The title "What if?" was a recommendation from a Qlife user called Miranda. Thank you Miranda for the title ideas, I think this one fits the writing perfectly.

I am looking down from the top floor of my high school at the bottom floor, entrance way. The classrooms are set up like a ring around a huge opening in the middle of the school. I can see people at the soda machines buying whatever gets their caffeine buzz going.
Hey, I know that girl down there and she is really cute. What’s her name again? Sharon? Shannon? Stacey? Shit, Sa-Sa-Sa-Sarah! That’s her name. I have stats with her last block.
“Hey Sarah!” I say. She looks up at me and smiles. I heave myself over the railing and start to fall. The tiles on the ground floor are getting bigger as I get closer. I look back at Sarah’s face and her smile doesn’t change as I belly flop onto the granite in front of her.
My face mashes into the stone and I feel my bones break as the force of my body falling so many feet is exerted. But it doesn’t matter. She was smiling at me. It is bright.
The sun is shining through the massive sky-light above me, a rectangular pyramid of class and steel. I am standing at the railing on the top floor with my eyes closed and a smirk on my face. I am warm. Sarah is buying a drink and now she is walking towards the door. Maybe she is leaving.
“Hey Sarah!” I say. She looks up at me and smiles. I wave my hand for her to come upstairs, she nods and starts to head for the stairs. She moves out of view but I can hear her foot steps as she climbs the flight. I move to the entrance of the stairs to meet her at the top.
As her footsteps get closer, I climb over the railing so now I am hanging over the entranceway holding onto the railing with nothing but my hands. I can feel the weight of my book bag pulling my back. I can’t believe she is coming up. Maybe she likes me?
I see the top of her blond head clear the top step and I tense up. I whistle and she looks up. As she starts to smile, my hands go from a fist, harder than a rock around the railing, to reaching out for her as I start to fall backwards. Now my bag doesn’t feel as heavy as it is momentarily weightless, all the binders and books pulling me into oblivion.
I look at Sarah and she never stops smiling as the third floor blocks her from my view. The sun is from the skylight is in my eyes again as I fall back first. I close my eyes as the wind rushes past my ears. I am warm again as I continue spinning until my head is pointing down. I don’t feel anything this time.
Looking down makes me feel sick. I take a step back and take a deep breath, slowing my heart rate. Sweat is dripping off my brow and my hands are shaking. I close me eyes and feel the sun on my face coming through the skylight.
I take a step forward and look over the edge at the vending machines. Sarah is bending over getting her drink out of the chute. I wait until she is standing.
“Hey Sarah!” I say. She looks up at me and smiles. I wave and she waves back. I cock my head to the side and raise an eyebrow in a questioning glance. ‘Where are you going?’ She nods to the door the raises her eyes. ‘Out. Wanna come?’ I smile, nod, and hold up one finger. ‘Yeah sure. Hold on a sec.’
I take one least glance down, then put my back to the abyss and walk to the stairs. I take my time going down and when I get to the bottom, Sarah is waiting for me with a smile. My smile grows and we walk out of school. It is bright.