Update On My Life Pt.3 LAST ONE I SWEAR

Jan 29, 2008 - 05:48 AM PST

So we got in the house and everything was a different the lock was changed and the house was rearranged it was like goin into the twilight zone all of a sudden i finally found the couch and sat down staring at the ground as my dad went to use the restroom. What the hell was i gonna say...like seriously...what can you say...I had so much hate in my heart at that time i think i could have destroyed iraq by now. Dad came out and sat by me on the other end of the couch it was rather awkward to even feel his presence near me.
I looked and stared at the ground silence was so unbearable that i asked...
"Why did you say those things...how could you say 'I dont need you' how could you say 'I rather you out of this house than to stress me out anymore'"
He couldn't say he was angry he has been sayin this for a LONG TIME for a very LONG TIME...
I couldn't get my mind around just the fact that he said that in my face with all seriousness. Not with manipulation like if u dont do this then this is gonna happen kind of thing...it was direct and for real.

It was silent for a bout 2 minutes or so and then he said.
"I am so sorry...i can't find a better word for how i feel for all these years but i was jealous that you gave your love to your friends..."
I never did...
I never ever did...yes i have love for my friends but i dont just give it...
"When i see you give a hug to your friends i get jealous"
Well for realz in teh last 9 years its like teh compassion died from my father...as i got older he stopped being the dad i knew from years ago when we walked to my elementary school everyday from home when i slept in his office at the college when he was cooking and working i was always there and we were always together... where did it all go?
It disappeared as i got in middle school cuz i guess i started gettin out of my shell i knew i had
but i guess my dad thot of it different and started to be that way...more stern more direct and not giving me a hug...not giving me a real hug the ones that you hold on to for more than 3 seconds. the hugs that are warm and lets you kno they love you. I missed that ...i missed it so much

"I am sorry i do need you i couldn't even go to work the days you were gone...i tried to be what i said and change the locks and take things down from your room...not know you anymore but i couldn't and I am sorry for ever puttin you down. We need to be like how we used to be. together."

I was still so angry as he kept talking ...then i heared him take a breath and start to cry...sayin I need you...

He came near to me and hugged me

I was still so angry my mind was just so focused on anger i couldn't get out of it...my dad sobbed until i snapped out of my anger thinking i need my daddy too
I turned to him and Hugged him so tight and he cried on my shoulder and after a little while i began to cry too. I held him close and said "I love you daddy" in his ear and he hugged me tighter...i swear 10 mins went thru that hug, i cuddled in his arms like i used to when i was small
and he kissed my forehead.
I still hugged him tight.
I missed my daddy the one i thot i lost so long ago.

Everyday now we give each other that same long loving hug every father and daughter should share... I thank the Lord for my daddy and i will love him above everyone else for as long as i live