Urges, thoughts, desires.

Apr 02, 2008 - 02:47 AM PST

I'm hearing the new REM album. It's pretty pleasing to the ear. I was looking forward to this album. I don't really remember the last time I was excited about an album. I guess it's only with certain bands I get like this.. Placebo, Marilyn Manson, Black Tape For a Blue Girl, The Cure. Mostly I just have been let down by some recent bands albums, even including some of the ones mentioned *cough* Manson *cough*, but they will always be special to me in some way, mostly helping me go through bad times and those songs helping me.

I sometimes would like to look at myself from an outside perspective and just see how others see me. I try to appear as normal as possible in social situations, work, etc.. but I truly worry what other people think of me. It's a neverending thought that occupies my time and i obsess over it. I also have strange urges which thankfully, I hardly ever act upon. Am I the only one who thinks this?

*When driving for a while, I imagine crashing into a huge truck or just stopping the car and flashing everyone.
*While in public and around loud children, I imagine doing horrible things like grabbing them and kicking them like a football.
*When someone is talking to me and I have no interest in what they are saying, I imagine either punching them in the nose, or making out with them heavily.
*If I see someone on a ladder or on top of a chair, I get this intense urge to push them off.
*In extremely serious situations, such as a funeral, wedding, job meeting, I imagine grabbing someone and biting their nose, or jumping on top of the table and just saying nonsensical things.
*In dangerous areas or if I am walking at night, I imagine being robbed or beat up, so I will give paranoid looks to everyone I see and imagine how I would fight them off and I pay extremely close attention to objects around me.
*Laughing or crying at inappropriate times
*If I see a couple, I imagine them having sex, EVERY TIME.
*If a kid has those Wheelees shoes, I have an intense urge to trip them and step on them.
*At new jobs, or any establishment, I concoct elaborate plans to steal or "break into the system from the inside", how could i steal that cd? Where are the security cameras?...junk like that.


I'm sure there's more. I don't act upon these, but there are things on my mind at times. Lately, especially I have trouble sleeping. My brain won't shut off. As soon as I lay my head down, all those crazy questions come. I imagine things like "What if everyone in America voted for Ronald McDonald, The Orkin Man, The Brawny Guy, or Santa Claus in the upcoming presidential election?" "How can I create a perfect utopia"...more stuff like that. I think of that, and i also reflect on stupid things I might have said or how i would handle things differently with what I know now. This is why it's hard to sleep. My thoughts just overwhelm me so much. I hope I'm not the only one with these crazy thoughts.