When nothing turns into something it becomes everything. (Part 2)

Aug 04, 2008 - 15:00 PM PST

I have this imaginary gate that shoots up immediately when ever I do something. Actually I don’t think this gate ever goes down. I haven’t ever been able to “let people in” because of this gate. Its my security. What I claim “protects me”. At the same time though I think it may hurt me. Could it possibly be the thing that is keeping me from…thinking I’m happy. There’s a good chance its holding me back from seeing that big picture. I can think of a million reasons why this gate has never been let down. I’m full of excuses. Endless excuses. The imaginary gate, would probably be one of my main excuses. Although I have yet to use it for anything. But do you blame me for not using this excuse? I mean, you try explaining to people you have an imaginary gate constantly guarded in front of you. See what kind of looks you get.

There’s a part of me that I think is scared. Supposedly your not suppose to admit your scared. It’s a sign of weakness. Really all it is, is showing that your only human. But I’ll admit it. I’m absolutely terrified. I’m scared to see what will happen if I let my guard down, and I begin to speak. Half of me feels as though there’s a chance that what I have to say isn’t good enough for people. That isn’t necessarily the truth. But it’s what I’ve convinced myself to be the truth. The other half of me is my annoying conscience reminding me that whatever I say, whatever falls out of my mouth. Is now laid out. It’s there. All revealed. And people can take that information and run. They can use it how ever which way they please. Once I have spoken, I no longer have the control over what was once secretly kept inside my head. I can repeatively tell you over and over again that I’m okay with not having that control. But I’d just be lying to your face.

So I continue to hold back on what I have to say, essentially leaving myself in a miserable state. But I still have control, so at least that’s something, right? I have people who have told me endlessly that they are willing to be here for me and listen. But I’ve chosen to ignore that they’re there with open arms. I’m holding back. For what reason? I have nothing to…lose. I have everything to gain.

I need to learn to let go. I can do this. I need to learn to trust that whatever I say, whatever I do, I’ll be fine. I’ll deal. Everything will happen for a reason. I will go through life…learning from my mistakes, but at the same time having no regrets. I’ll absorb everything like a sponge and take the world in as it was meant to be. As of right here, right now I’m letting go. The gate is being…slammed down and buried. There’s no turning back. It’s a free fall from here with hopefully a cushioned landing. Soon, when I say; “I have nothing to say”, that will eventually become something, and something will become everything.