when the new Year rang in

Feb 23, 2008 - 05:12 AM PST

the new year rang in... i was by myself in my living room laying on the couch watching the prerecorded count down from Time Square. its not like i wasn't expecting to be alone on this holiday. its how this whole year had been... alone... i mean yeah i had a girlfriend at the beginning of this year but the only holiday that we celebrated was Valentine's day... big whoop there. show me a couple who is into each other that doesn't at least acknowledge that commercial POS.
*sigh*
I guess i just feel like even with all the new experiences in this past year i just felt like an empty shell. i mean everyone expects the "funny guy" to take everything with grace and not feel lonely at the end of the day because he is the one everyone looks to for entertainment. I am happy when i make people laugh or when i look out into a crowd of people when I'm performing and see two or three people lip syncing one of my original songs... but i haven't had anyone to share that with... even when i was with my ex i never could get her to go to one of my shows or out to a party. i was always by myself.
Its nice that i have these new friends at collage. i never knew that by going to school with a bunch of people that had similar interest as me that i could have the ability to talk about things that i couldn't talk about to my friends in Riverside. hell i'ld be lucky if one of my friends would even let me take a picture of them without getting a threat to break my camera. But, even with the people that i go to school with i still go home, sit at my computer, and wait...
So that you can get the whole sob story that i am telling let me recap on my past year( i know that most of the people who read this with go "oh Boo fucking Hoo you cry baby" but this is just the way i feel and if you dont like it then its your fault for reading this far anyways). So at the 2007 new year i had a party. Almost 30 people came over to an apartment that could only hold 15 people comfortably and yet they all had a great time.5 seconds befor the new year i asked my girlfriend to marry me. she said yes. this was the night that i was the happiest i had been. but it was also the last night i would be that happy. so a couple of month went by and something happened that i though could never happen to me. my girlfriend told me one night that she was having feeling for another guy. one that she worked with. well that scared the hell out of me that someone that i had known and been with for the past 5 years could just up and say that to me. especially cause she had only known the guy from work and only for the past month. well another month went by and i tried my hardest to be an understanding boyfriend. well i'll spare the details and just tell you that about 10 days befor our 5 year anniversary and 21 days before my birthday she was gone...
Now although you may think that this was when this slope towards the emptiness feeling started its not. so yeah i was hurt over the situation but i knew that it was for the best. its when i started seeing that almost all the people that i had known to be people that i considered close really weren't as close as i thought. my friends from the Swinging Johnson Brothers (SJB) Improv Group were the only ones to remember my birthday. i mean for the past 6 years no one has remembered my birthday or even acknowledged it at all but i always had my family or my ex-girlfriend with me so it wasnt all that bad. but this year was different. i was turning 21 and had called up a whole bunch of people to tell them about it.. these were the same people who i was always there for and was always the first person to wish them a happy birthday to. not one of them even cared to respond. eventually i went and hung out with my friends Ryan, Chris, and Adam From SJB. i Mean the whole group of them hava always been there for me and i will always be there for them no matter what they need. so i spent my 21st passing out over at Adams house and having a great night. it just want with the people i was expecting to have it with.
After i got to The Art Institute I made friends like wildfire. because we all have the same kind of interest in life this wasn't all that much of a surprise. but besides 5 of the close friends that i had made i really was only known as the funny guy. i missed out on my very well planed out Halloween. Thanks giving was nice because i got to spend it with my friends but i had no one on Christmas and i missed out on New years as well.
I mean i think that I'm alone because god wants me to be alone. I mean is it really that much to ask just to have someone to be there for me as much as i am for others? I mean I don't think I'm asking that much... is there something wrong with wanting someone to be there when i want them. I'm always the person who calls others first and sets up the events, entertains, is there to lend a hand, is there to comfort if something is wrong... but i don't get that. and i realize now that even when i was with my ex that i never got that in return. I guess I can be too nice to people and they walk all over me. there are people who i know wouldn't do that to me like My SJB Buddies, My AI friends...hell I'm even pretty sure that this girl i like is the same way. i mean she is smart, artistic, Beautiful, organized, she knows what she wants out of life... i sometimes feel like i get a little bit of a cold shoulder but its only cause i know that shes going through some things that i myself had to go through... all and all shes great. shes making her way up that chain of trust.
it sucks that we cant hear what other people are thinking... then maybe we can understand each other more.. until then i guess this will have to do... I'm not gonna do what i usually do with my blogs and bulletin that i have a new one up... if you see it and you genuinely care for me i know that you will read this to its full extent. if you do please just understand what im going through. in return you know that i'll always be there for you.