When We Don't Know What To Say

Nov 25, 2007 - 20:44 PM PST

I often find myelf in the position of not knowing what to say. Somehow I've trained myself to shove away everything honest about what I feel and replace it with whatever makes the least amount of waves. My life is made up of costant running. Running from myself, from reality, and on to the next thing to occupy my time---they all stand to keep me in one piece. The things that make waves make it difficult to work well, so I get rid of them.

My daily life consists of constant movement. I have a nine class school schedule; AP and Honors almost all the way through. After my 7:15 AM to 3 PM school day, I go home and either find something to eat or take a nap. Around five, I head out to my danc studio in Orland and have class and rehearsal for a minimum of 2 hours a day. Wednesdays are the only day I don't have dance, but homework generally ruins that. After dance, I get home somewhere between 8 and 9:30 and proceed to try and do my homework. By around 12:30 or 1 I give up and go to bed.
I wake up at six to finish what I couldn't the night before. I skip breakfast. I don't have a lunch. Dinner is optional. Food is often eaten in the car, late at night, or when friends force me to eat during the day. It sucks. But I really don't care too much.

The craziness is something I love. I haven't burned out yet, but I think I might be getting close. Truth be told is that I'm not sure I care. People say I have potential, but I don't feel like I can do shit with it while I'm still in high school. So many people have told me how much more mature I am than most people my age, which is probably why I have such a problem handling people.
I get pissed and annoyed with so many people, mostly because (I know this sounds bad) I really hate stupid people. There is n excuse for ignorance; I really hate it when I'm unaware of what's going on, even though others seem perfectly content with their shallow existance. I can't stand it.

I'm no elitest. Chances are I don't really count amongst those who are conidered truely intelligent, but I like to think that I try to be informed. I like to think that my opinion matters. Who doesn't? But when I reach the point where I can't put what I'm thinking into words, I just want to scream. And when I can't scream, what can I do?