Wow

Apr 08, 2008 - 01:07 AM PST

I haven't been this creative in long time. Or maybe I just really need someone to talk to. I finally figured out how I can do videos on this computer but my mike sucks so I will have to speak loudly. I have a lot of trouble sleeping at night lately. Today I slept until noon, cashed my check, watched "Best in Show", bought the 3rd season of sex in the city, got invited to be part of a threesome, and took some pain pills that instead of working how they are supposed to (by putting me to sleep) are keeping me up right now. As far as education is concerned I have a reason to finish now. I always wanted to just travel and write and I have figured out a way that I can do it. There is a certificate I can earn to teach English in foreign countries where I can travel and earn money. It wouldn't be a lot but it would be worth it. Now I just have to figure out how to get to England and New York because they speak English there. I still totally have a crush on that one guy but I'm starting to like this new guy too I think. Either that or I just haven't had sex in a while. Plus I know he really likes me and it's always nice to be liked. We're going out on Friday. I just like going out. Having a reason to dress up and stuff is fun. I just hope it's ok if I am going out with him to date and he might be into more. I cannot make a commitment to anything the last two years much less a relationship. I'm to busy trying to figure myself out and make enough money to live on my own. I keep quiting things and tonight I wondered...do I keep quitting things because that's all I feel I have control over anymore?? I hate that I am a big chicken because it's not so much the quitting the job at Vector it's how I am doing it. It's how I always do it. I just kind of duck out. No two weeks, rarely in person. I suck and I actually care about these people and now I have hurt them. Part of me still wants it too but I don't know myself well enough to know if that part of me is the me part or the me who is trying to please others and be all perfect and do what i should. I have more to say but it's too much right now. I hardly know you people Hugs Rachel