your own personal hell...

Feb 27, 2008 - 00:05 AM PST

i was talkin to christi last night when i realized that im not in as much "hell" as everyone thinks... no more hell than the next person...just because im sick doesnt mean that i dont enjoy life as much as the next person.. because i do enjoy things .. maybe not as many things but i do enjoy some stuff... like i cant be alone because when im alone is when the voices come at me the most... tho i am alone all the time, physically, im not alone mentally... thats a rough clarification and a understatement to say the least... but i thought i should be honest here in honor of Dylans honesty on the show... she said its like a fetish for her and tho i dont see it as a fetish, i thought that i should do the same....ok so lets talk about the "pain" that im in... when it first started i thought this is crappy.. never being able to be alone with all the voices and stuff... i broke down and lot all faith in humanity but that was a lie... the voices i hear is not what the regular person would say to me... they would be kind until i crossed them but even that is something that i wouldnt do... so is it safe to say that i prolly would never hear what i hear from a live person?... i think so.... thats my theory on that issue... now back to the pain... i was alone.. that was obvious.. maybe thats what kept people from asking too many quesions about how iwas feeling.. they could see it in my eyes ... lonliness and dispare.... but here comes another theory on this situation... everyone is alone in some way..the only difference is that i accepted it... fully ... no strings attached... no pleasent games to play... just space...wide open spaces... all day everyday... and no hope of anyone noticing me , no friends i mean i had friends but they were oblivious to how i was feeling because basically i wasnt around most of the time....i was wandering.. i became homeless but still had a job until two months after i became homeless i lost my job.. so i went to stealing food for survival...still no different "pain" from the next man.. just something that everyone would do to stay alive.... i got arrested for harrassment and put in jail ... then something happend that changed my life, in that week that i was in jail i figured out that i was in need of something ... friends and family...so after i got out i made it a priority to look for friends and be more outgoing because living like a hermit was not the way...after that i reconnected with my old friends from college and high school and we worked things out(they were angry at me for just leaving without notice)....i met some girls and everything was ok...the voices were sill there but i had the courage to tell people about it... so now 8 years later im think im ok.. still hanging in there.. trying to do the right thing... and now not so alone... no signifiant other but still 900 times better than where i was at.. i have a support system now... im back with my parentals and trying to move out like a "normal" person...trying to stay in school and get a job to pay rent ... going out and partying a little... im on meds now too... so mild attempts at keeping me sane by my doctor is greatly appreciated...i am not alone in this world.. people are there to help each other, every little bit helps ... and music WHOA MAN music is there to help too...anyways all in all im ok ...